The Plan

Isn't it amazing to think how many times our plans change throughout life?  From my first memory, I knew I wanted to be a mom.  As I got older, that plan became more defined, and by the time I was married to T, I knew that someday I wanted approximately 2 children, a boy and a girl, and we'd live happily ever after.  My plan never got more defined than that. 

When infertility hit me in the face like a ton of bricks, the hardest thing to deal with was that what life looks like in our heads may not be what our lives actually look like.  Turns out, we have little control over many things in our life.  I spent nearly 2 years of my life trying to force something that wasn't meant to be. And finally, I let go.  I realized that life was going to look differently than what I had planned. I became ok with it. 

T and I began the adoption process, and a new plan came into focus.  A plan and a life I was excited about.  I was going to adopt a son from Ethiopia.  I would not have biological children, and that was ok.  I was going to be a mama.  And I was going to be the best mama to a son that I needed just as much as he needed me.  I felt peace.  A plan.  A plan I could get behind and support and love. I was going to be a mama to the most special boy that I ever dreamed of.

And just when I felt at peace with the way my life was going to be, the plan changed.  The pregnancy test that I took for no reason at all except that it was in my drawer.  October 30th, 2009.  And it said I was pregnant.  And in that moment, my plan changed once again.  Turns out, I was expecting a little girl.  The plan I had created in my youth of having a boy and a girl was coming true.  That little pregnancy test turned out to be TT.  My first child, and second oldest.  Nur's baby sister. 

More proof that I'm not in charge.  Not even a little. 

I have been a parent now for 2.5 years, which is odd to say, considering I have a child who is 3.5 years old, but I didn't parent him for the first 10 months.  Tonight, for the first time in that 2.5 years, I am all alone with my Nur.  TT is spending the night at her cousin and BFF's house with Grandma and Grandpa.  As we were driving back to our house all alone, T said something very interesting to me when I commented on how different the night would be because of having only on child.  T said, "Wasn't that our plan at one point?"  And you know what, it was our plan at one point.  Nur was our plan.  We were going to have one child, Nur, and be the best parents ever.  This was the plan for a while. 

Tonight I sit alone, with my Nur.  We are cuddling, and I'm giving him all of my attention instead of dividing it.  We are sitting on the couch, watching The Lion King, his favorite movie.

All I keep thinking is that this is how life could have been.  I don't even remember the ease of one child.  Afterall, I only had one child for 3 months before child #2 came into my life. 

All of this is a great reminder to me that at times, we don't understand why things happen the way they do.  We struggle to let go of things we have no control over.  But then our plan plays out.  And we sit back, and realize that we can't imagine, nor would we want, life to have played out any differently. 

Everything has a purpose.  And I'm living out mine.  And I fully realize, that my plan could change again tomorrow.

But for tonight, I'm enjoying showering my oldest child with attention.  But not even wanting to imagine what life would be like without baby sister. 

I need both of these souls to complete my story.