Mornings like today get my mind going. Okay, let's be honest, my mind is always going but today, it's REALLY going! This post is going to be two-fold as there are two important things on my mind this morning. Or perhaps I'll be ALL over the place. That is possible too.
I've been a Mom for over a year, but I'm still second guessing myself. And, having two children who are so close in age, when one is biological and one is not is causing some confusion in my Mama brain.
You see, TT, I know TT. I feel like I parent her well. I feel like I know what her cries mean. I know when they are serious cries and I know when they are I just want to get my way cries. When I give her a timeout, I know it's deserved and I know I'm not harming her by giving her a bit if discipline. . . in fact, by giving her discipline, I believe I'm helping her.
And then there is Nur. I've physically been his parent for 10 months now. I should feel more comfortable than I do, but so much about him remains an anomaly. When he cries, I don't always recognize if he's scared, just tired, just being a toddler, or perhaps just trying to get his way. I will give him a timeout just like I would TT, yet with him, I feel guilty. Is he acting out because he's experienced so much loss in his life? Does he feel insecure because of all he's been through? I SIMPLY NEVER KNOW WITH Nur.
Let's talk about my morning with Nur. He woke up at around 6am, which is the normal wakeup time for Nur. As always, I changed his diaper and put him in his high chair. As always, I gave him a sippy full of milk, and as always, I prepared oatmeal. . . today's flavor being cinnamon and raisins. After his bowl (which by the way was an adult sized portion) was done, I signaled all done to Nur and he FREAKED out. I mean freaked out. Tantrum. So, I then tried to offer him a bowl of yogurt I also had sitting there, but he wanted nothing to do with it. I tried to offer him the peanut butter toast on his tray. Not interested. Nur proceeded to scream. And scream. AND SCREAM. I cleaned him up and put him down. Screamed. T came and took him to try to help. Screamed. T then took Nur into his bedroom to try to calm him down. And he did calm down. Until T brought him back out to the kitchen where I was standing, and then he screamed some more. I'd like to say this morning is a rare occurance, but it's not. This doesn't happen everyday, but enough to really frazzle my nerves.
I don't know what to do. Do I follow the expert advice to just ignore a tantrum and not pay it any attention? Do I treat Nur differently because he's adopted and this could be a deeper issue and mourning happening within him? Do I write this off as Nur still healing from surgery? I don't know what to do. And these "episodes" with Nur can happen several times a day. And I can't for the life of me figure out why he's acting like that? Why he screams as if he's being tortured. I simply don't get it.
And that second topic I wanted to discuss? Well, I'm officially too exhausted to even touch that one today.
21 comments:
I don't have any advice but I hope it gets better. (((hugs to you)))
That sounds really rough. And I think I would be thinking/feeling exactly how you are right now, so I have zero advice except maybe asking an expert? Good luck!
Was he screaming because he wanted more oatmeal? Is there a reason why he couldn't have more oatmeal? Just trying to help figure out why he was screaming.
I wish Viktor would eat. He ate a piece of cheese this morning and then didn't want anything to do with the rest of his food. Then for lunch he refused to eat his hotdog and would only eat strawberries and a little bit of cheese. *sigh*
It's not that I was unwilling to feed him more, even though he had already eaten a ton, it's the tantrums he throws when something doesn't go his way. Sometimes I almost think he is scared he won't get more food. I even offered him more food, but by that time, he was so worked out he wouldn't eat any.
It definitely sounds like a trust issue on his part. And that he wanted more oatmeal not yogart, lol. Sorry, I know it's not funny on your end. I hope things get better!
Many children who have experienced ANY kind of deprevation in their lives will cry when their food is gone. It is not because he "is adopted", it is because he knows what it feels like to be hungry and not be given what he needs, which explains why he eats so much and cries when it is over.
As far as knowing your daughter better because you gave birth to her...ummm...that is really quite offensive to adoptive families everywhere. Giving birth does not automatically mean that child is better known. Many mothers with multiple children feel that their kids require different parenting styles, and react in unique ways...even when their mother gave birth to all of them. I sure hope he never feels like you see him differently because he was not in your body for 40 weeks as a fetus. Motherhood is perplexing, whether by birth or adoption. There is no need to put a label of "adopted" on behavior differences.
Laurie - I thought about not even publishing your RIDICULOUS comment, and I find it "humorous" that you even read my blog.
With that being said, you completely misunderstood what I was saying. I DO believe that you have to parent adopted childs differently. . . or at least recognize that things in them may be different. My biological child doesn't have some of the same insecurities that my son has. And my son has every right to have those insecurities. In a perfect world we wouldn't have to recognize differences, but your comment is as stupid as saying that you shouldn't take into consideration the race of your child either. I believe race does need to be taken in consideration, just as being adopted does.
If my daughter acted like my son did today screaming after a meal, I would have completely written it off as her being a toddler. But with my son, I obviously psychoanalyze his situation in more depth.
And I'm sorry. . . I do know my daughter better. I didn't say I loved her better. . . or loved her more, because I don't. But as far as knowing her better, I do, and if that offends you, feel free NOT to read my blog.
I found your blog through another blog and have been following since before the kids were born/home. I have never commented before, but I had to today.
First of all, thank you for your honesty. You lay it out there like it is and some people just can't handle that. Too many people want to appear a certain way and could never share their hearts. It's refreshing!
Second of all, I totally understand your concern about K's behavior and even more so how you psychoanalyze everything he does and you do to/for him. I have three bio children and two adopted children and constantly I'm wondering if I am harming them more because of the way I am disciplining them and if their behavior is normal toddler/strong willed behavior or is because they are adopted. Sometimes I think I may go crazy analyzing it all!
Sorry that you're going through rough times right now. Food is a hard thing with little kids and even more so with adopted kids. Hope it gets better for you.
Leah, I am not an adoptive Mom but I think I understand what you mean by that you know your daughter better than you do your son. With your daughter you have been there not only carrying her but since birth. Your son was if I remember right was ten months old before you were to bring him home. He has lived without parents who loved him and took care of his every need. In a small way, I can relate to knowing or not knowing my children the same even though they are all by birth. I love my daughter with all my heart but I don't know her as much as I know my sons. It doesn't make me love her less or more, but it does make me want to be able to know her more and I try to pay attention to the smallest details so when I talk to her or buy her a gift I can get it right and then it makes me feel a little less of that gap of not knowing her. I think your doing great by being able to address your thoughts and reaching out for help.
Fantastic response to Laurie, Leah! I wish I had some advice about K but I don't :-( All I can say is, "this too shall pass". Soon (sooner than we hope, even), K will be able to talk and tell you exactly what it is he wants/needs.
I just wanted to say thank you. You gave me the idea to try oatmeal on Viktor. He loved it as a baby and so I tried it again and he ate 2 bowls full and a bowl of strawberries for breakfast this morning. Of course I had to feed it to him....but at least he ate ;) so thank you.
Aaaaand I read the other comments....I believe that K's issue is with trust. Obviously he wasn't hungry because he would have eaten the yogart. I think he just had a temper tantrum over not getting more oatmeal. The question is do you give in and what can you do on your part to help with his trust issues besides giving in to him. Have you talked to his pediatrician?
Leah, in response to your comment on my blog... I've been having the same problem with some blogs. I can't even comment on my own blog without using Anonymous or Name/URL. But I JUST figured out that if I right click on the internet explorer icon on my desktop and open an InPrivate Browsing session, it all works properly.
Somebody explained this to me a little while back but I didn't really understand it, and couldn't figure out how to open an InPrivate session. I just figured it out an hour ago, though, and it works!
I just read through the other commenters... Umm... holy. cow. Laurie. Get over yourself.
Leah, as always thank you so much for being so honest. I am so sorry you continue to deal with hurtful comments. And anyone who knows you knows that you love BOTH of your children with all your heart and that was NEVER in question. I relate to this post a lot because I am CONSTANTLY second guessing myself. I just put E down for a nap and he had a total meltdown and during I kept wondering if I had put him down sooner would the meltdown have been avoided. WHO KNOWS??? Probably not. He is just in a bad mood today but I still can't help but second guess. I am always wondering if certain behavior issues are regular toddler issues or because he is strong willed by personality or sensory issues or what??? It hurst my mind somedays trying to figure out. My mom suggested I read the toddler book about screaming and it is very common at K and E's age. But E's scream is very intense in the way you describe K's scream so it just always freaks me out and makes me wonder. I just keep trying to tell myself it will get better when he has words to express himself. Who knows if that is true but it helps me sleep better at night. Thinking of you! :)
Just my two cents...every child is different, whether they are adopted or not. Each child reacts different, acts different, has a different set of emotions, actions and such. I think it's less to do with biology and more to do with two totally different kids. Our son Bryce, who we adopted domestically, is very much like your son. He screams and cries for no reason at times. He hates sleeping through the night. Thus, we never sleep through the night and is very high needs...I don't think we were prepared for that at all. After all, our 13 year old, was a pretty easy baby. I'm stressed out and frazzled most of the time...but I don't attribute it to him being adopted, just a different person. Good luck! I'm in the trenches with you! :-)
At this age, I think ( my personal parenting style) I would treat it the exact same as I would any other child in my home at that age. I do know only by experiance that giving in to the temper tantrums will just keep them coming on a regular basis because he will know you will do everything you can to make him happy. sometimes hun, nothing you will do will make him happy. He feels your love and devotion, I'm going to bet doing dishes by hand that your daughter will have the same temper tantrums over a very similar situation when she reaches closer to his age. Toddlers test us, it's how they learn thier parents. =) Hugs to you ... but don't pull your hair out trying to keep him satisfied all the time. you know sometimes how ya just feel like crying, or laughing, or feeling mad about something. He does too... have you tried doing something completely crazy during his tantrum ... like stomp your own feet and make a silly face at him? sometimes that works here at our house.. it may take his mind off what ever was making him mad. *whispers* then they forget!
After reading this I wanted to ask if the other times during the day when he goes into panic mode, it has to do with food? I very recently wrote a post on food issues at our house- there were some great comments if you want to check it out.... My husband I and just spoke about how sometimes it's easy to forget that our son was starving once upon a time when he looks (and is!) so very healthy now. It makes complete sense to both of us that the fear of not receiving food is ingrained. How scary!! Anyway- I again encourage you to check out my blog post... your family is not alone in this!
I understand the need to over analyze, worry, wonder, get frustrated, feel guilty. The thing is, what your son went through is real. What he is going through is real. What he is processing is real.
It's hard and intense and also amazing and filled with all kinds of joy.
Keep on trekking....
Thanks so much for the comments. I love supportive comments, even if you are nicely telling me I'm crazy. ;) There is a way to be constructive, that's for sure. :)
To answer a couple questions. Most of K Man's tantrums are in regards to food, which worry me. I am very cognizant of the fact that he comes from a background of deprivation, so I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to make sure he has a healthy association with food. I am also doing everything I can to make sure that he trusts that he will always get fed and that he'll never go hungry.
At the same time, I am trying to teach him that when he wants something, he doesn't have to scream to get it. He can just communicate with me (he is an expert "more" signer).
So, this is why I sometimes beat myself up. I always want to be very sensitive to his triggers, and food is a big one. But I also don't want to always think everything has to do with adoption. But I still have a gut feeling that his food issues are related to the 10 months that Khalil was in an orphanage setting.
It might be worth not signalling "all done" with him. How about letting him tell you when he is finished? Let him sit in his chair and eat until he no longer says "more." Then just let him continue to sit there until he signals to you that he wants down. That way he has the control. =o) I hope things smooth out, but don't worry, you are doing a great job.
Okay, I don't even know where to start with this but I must say that to Laurie's comment, your comment is completely offensive to adoptees!! Maybe not all adoptees but some, and me being one. First of all as an adoptee I wish my parents would have taken my history in consideration on how they parented me! You cannot treat adoptees the same as biological children. The biggest and most important piece we all have to remember is that it is not about us as parents it is about our children! It is about taking into consideration that adoption is based off of loss no matter which way you look at it. While inutero you are bonding to your child and when your child is born he/she already recognizes your voice! An adoptee has most likely experienced more voices and faces in a short amount of time that the average infant would never have had to experience.
Attachment is established within the first 12 months after birth and while inutero and when a child is adopted the longer they are in fostercare or an orphanage or a bridge home that is one or more people taking care of them that they are not used to or recognize.
with a birth child they cry and you feed, change, burp, rock or whatever you need to do to stop the crying. That is what builds the trust and attachment. Consistency. Children who have lived in chaos, foster care or orphanages or even bridgecare may cry and no one will respond which builds distrust which causes children to stop crying because they have learned that it is useless to cry becuase their needs will not be met anyway. When we bring our children home from fostercare, an orphanage or bridgecare, we really need to start all over again and parent our children in a special way in order to try and recreate the first 12 months of life per say to try and establish that bonding and attachment. With a birth child, you do not have to go backwards to go forward. Ultimately adoption is based on loss and chaos from the child's perspective.
I do not agree with your comment about any child who knows what it feels like to be hungry will tantrum. This has nothing to do with knowing what it feels like to be hungry. Khalil's tantrums do not sound like the average child crying and fussing becuase they are hungry. This is related to trust, bonding, attachment, and most importantly because he had trauma for the first 10 months of his life. Just for that reason we as adoptive parents need to take this into consideration and if we do not we may as well call social services on ourselves because it is a form of neglect.
I am going to stop there and leave you with one more thing. Get educated on adoption because it is not the same as parenting a biological child.
Leah, I understand what you are talking about and do not believe that you love either one more or less than the other!
Enough said!
Hi Leah, I haven't commented in awhile, but I just wanted to say I think you are doing a great job with both kids. I think you DO have to take into account K's background, and you probably don't know him as well as S. You will never know ALL that he went through before you. Thank you for being honest and for sharing with us. I don't have any advice, but good luck with everything. Heather
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