When will I enjoy holidays again? When expecting Nur and TT, I looked forward to all those holidays celebrating as a family. Long weekends at my parent's house, or at the Lake. But I've yet to enjoy one. In fact, I'm usually left feeling so defeated after holidays, that I have so much anxiety going into them.
Let's talk about Memorial Weekend. Both T and I got off work early and couldn't wait to get to our cabin where we would be joined by my Mom and Dad, my 2 brothers, and my sister and her family. I had spent a couple days getting ready for the road trip. I couldn't wait. I packed bags, went grocery shopping for all sorts of things for the kids, and by noon, we were headed 3 hours north!
We got to the cabin and started having a great time. My Dad took us all for a boat ride. Then Nur and TT's cousins showed up, and it was all hugs and kisses, and running around, and laughing. It was ideal.
Then it was bedtime.
TT is easy. You put her in a crib, and she's out. Nur on the other hand, sleeps GREAT at home, but cannot and WILL not sleep when not at home. My Mom offered to take Nur in bed with her, and he slept great for a while, but then my sister's youngest woke up to eat (he's about 8 months old) and that woke Nur up, and he proceeded to scream. I brought him in bed with me, and he still screamed. It's so weird. Even when I have him sleep with me or T, he'll still cry like he's scared. I'll be holding him in bed, and there are still tears.
Well, the cabin is NOT big. It's a very tiny 3 bedroom, so if a child is up screaming, the ENTIRE cabin is up. Nur finally setled down at 4:30am. He cried for 2.5 hours. 2.5 hours.
I don't know what to do. This happens every time we attempt to go out of town. This happened during Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and now Memorial Weekend. We planned to stay for the long weekend. Well, guess who took off Saturday? A day after we got to the cabin? That would be US. I spent days preparing for the trip. And weeks being excited about our trip to the cabin. But I felt like we had no choice. I can handle no sleep, but I don't think it's fair for my entire family to get no sleep because of my child.
I don't know what to do. I don't know at what point Nur will be able to sleep anywhere. But until that happens, I don't see this family of mine enjoying a holiday. And what makes me really sad is that TT was having the best time ever. I don't know. I'm just sad. I want my kids to have all the happiest memories in the world, and everytime we try to do something fun, we fail.
13 comments:
I'm so sorry that your weekend didn't turn out the way you were expecting. It can be especially disappointing when you have big expectations of having such a great time. Nur has come so far, but maybe right now he just prefers the structure and comfort of home? He'll get there at some point.....hang in there. Heather
So sorry. Do you think this is one of those areas where adoption issues come in to play? Our youngest, also internationally adopted, doesn't do great on trips, but she's getting better. We make a point to talk about sleeping and travelling in great detail ahead of time. I totally get why you left, but maybe at some point you power through a few nights at a (soundproof) hotel? I do think N will eventually learn that he will be OK sleeping outside his home. But I know, it just sucks to travel right now :(
I'm sorry about the shortened vacation:(
We just don't go anywhere overnight because of the sleeping thing. Noah might even be okay with it now (I wouldn't know), but in the past he was such a particular sleeper (great at home, but crap everywhere else). I don't even attempt it because of that.
We took GV on one of Kevin's 2-week business trips and it was the worst decisions we ever made. He was 9 months old, cutting teeth, learning to pull up, caught a cold and dealing with a 6 hour time change. He spent most nights screaming and not sleeping and while that was okay for me, Kevin had to get up to get to work at 8am the next day. It was rough. Bad trips happen.
But it could just be that you need to adjust your expectations. When my sister and I were younger we never went out to eat. Between my sister ordering food and then refusing to eat it and my hyperactivity it was a nightmare for my parents. So we stopped going out to eat. The first meal I can remember going out to eat with my parents was when I was 13.
It will get better but it might mean waiting till Nur is a bit older.
That is so sad. He must be so scared when he isn't at home. I never really traveled much but my son who is special needs not saying that your is but he was very big on routine and still is to a certain point. Wish I had advice but nothing comes to mind besides can you bring his bed?
Poor boy something must really flashback for him when it comes to security. Maybe you should try staying at other peoples houses for a night here and there when they are gone on vacation or something, soyou don't feel like you are bothering everyone and maybe he can get used to different places.
We camped in our camp trailer and Benjamin had a screaming night (he was a baby), I just went out tot he truck and he finally fell asleep in his carseat, better then nothing.
I have the same issue with Roman. We went on our first family vacation - to Texas this past week. He was great in the car, in public etc... bedtime - a whole other story! He sleeps 11 hours straight at home at night in his crib and has never been out of his crib for bedtime. The first night he cried for an hour in his pack-n-play... I then put him in our bed and he passed out for three hours then woke up screaming for another 2 hours! It was awful. I have no suggestions but I do have sympathy for you :(
Leah, I am so sorry you had to cut your vacation short!! I think a lot of kids don't sleep well unless they are at home. I remember last year LB and I went to St Louis to see my sister and my parents met us there. We stayed at a hotel and he went down okay but then woke up 2 hours later and cried for 45 minutes before settling down and falling back to sleep. He did that the first 2 nights and then on the third and final night he finally did okay. That was a little over a year ago. Since then he has only stayed the night at my parents or D's parents. He used to both places so he does okay. But he definitely sleeps better at home. I had a friend tell me a few months that they just started spending the night at grandparents because their kids had done so terribly when they were younger. They are now 3 and 5. (both kids are bio kids) So I think it's normal. Maybe just the 4 of you could try and plan a night or two at the cabin as practice and if Nur doesn't sleep well then you aren't worries about ruining sleep for anyone else. Just a thought. So sorry!! It will get better.
My initial thought: Nur has special needs. He can't handle it. This happens to parents of special needs kids all the time. Downs Syndrome, Aspergers, CP, FAS, or plain ol' every day PTSD from early trauma means vacations don't work. This might mean you guys have to split up for vacays. One of our kids cannot handle things like this and we have learned some hard lessons ourselves. This means sometimes none of us will go, sometimes, half of us will go, and sometimes, we will go but only if we can get our own space that doesn't wake anyone else up. :(
Oh, Leah, I feel you on this. In general we are SO strict on bedtime routines and such. Our kids don't even stay with grandparents because they really only sleep well in their own beds.
Someone mentioned adjusting expectations...this has been my greatest tool for travel (and my husband's hardest adjustment). If I expect it will suck, then I'm almost always pleasantly surprised. If it does, indeed, suck, then I'm not disappointed.
We have turned down several weekends away for this very reason. We refuse to stay in a hotel with only one room because of this very reason - we will save the money for a suite that has at least one separate bedroom.
K will continue to adjust, especially as he gets older and you can reason with him and he can better communicate. But in the meantime, I would power through (your family should be prepared and willing to power through with you!) or get your own hotel room or something. Maybe next time you guys go to the cabin a day before everyone else so you can get him at least one night to throw a fit?
Hope it gets better soon! Don't give up on getting away!
I feel your pain with the tight quarters. We too went to my parents cottage - 9 adults and 6 kids in 1100 square feet! I think there were two helpful comments - stay the night somewhere locally (friend, family), that would not require a lot of packing, but you would be close to home. Try to get Nur comfortable in an unfamiliar place. Secondly, try to power through the night. It has been my experience that my kids do horrible the first night anywhere new. By the second or third night, they are fine. I know it is difficult for the parents, but it may be worth a try. Good luck!
I read this yesterday, but I hate leaving a comment with my phone.
Ours are kind of PIA (bless their hearts) on trips also. The first few nights and naps, getting to sleep is difficult. Lots of crying. I dread that part of traveling, and also the crabbiness that ensures from being trapped in the car seat for several hours.
But we haven't had the 4AM stuff. Jeez, that's rough!
They are just serious creatures of habit at this age, is my guess. I hope that it gets better with age. I know that even my students, who are 8, are totally thrown for a loop when things are different.
I have no experience with this really. When we went on a trip in March C wouldn't go down until we did since we were all in one room & naps were sparse. It may be b/c she has slept in different places since she was like 4 wks old, we won't travel nearly as much now that we're moving home :) I do like the suggestion to try somewhere close to home & just give it a chance. I could NOT deal with letting C disturb everyone else all night either, I'd pack it up too! When we're elsewhere & she won't settle as easily I do whatever I need to to get her quiet, so I feel like I get that panicky feeling you have of not wanting to bother others! I so hope you figure something out that works for him because it's fun to get to do stuff like that. I'm sorry your trip was ruined, disappointments just suck! When you have this grand idea in your head & it falls apart!! So sorry!
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