I don't want to be one of those blog writers who only writes about the sunshine and rainbows. Life is way too complex for that to be anyone's reality. It is definitely not my reality.
Here's the thing.
Creating the family the way mine was created takes a toll on the spirit. It's easy to look at it as an outsider, and praise the Heavens for the way things happened. Woman can't get pregnant. Woman fails at infertility treatment. Woman decides to adopt. Woman then gets pregnant. Woman gives birth to a healthy baby girl. Woman adopts a healthy baby boy. Boy and girl are siblings and best friends. Everyone lives happily ever after.
I like that above story. I'd love to live that life. It sounds wonderful and uplifting. And some days, I feel like that is my life. And other days, I recognize that having things happen as quickly as they did didn't leave a lot of time for heaing and introspection.
T and I started the adoption process in June 2009. My last failed treatment was in July 2009. I told myself that I was at peace, but really, I was a mess. T was a mess. Yet we moved forward. We are still moving forward. I have heard from those close to me that the days in 2009 I was a complete disaster. I wasn't fun to be around. People worried about my well being. I WANTED TO BE A MOM. Unfortunately, I think I stopped nurturing other things in my life. My relationships, my health, my everything.
And then within a span of 3 months, I had two children. I had a 10 month old son from Ethiopia. A son who I felt like needed so much more than I was equipped to give him. A son who needed a mom who better understood the difficulties with international adoption. And I had a 3 month old daughter. Two children who I try to be there for. Who I try to do everything for. Because my goal in life is to make their live's wonderful. I want them to have happiness. Security. Stability. And I fight SO damn hard for them both to have that.
But sometimes, the messy beginning to motherhood comes and slaps me smack dab in the face. It all comes rushing forward, and I have a moment of clarity. I look around me, and ask, "how did I get here?" How do I go back and heal, and fix what needs fixing, yet still be able to stand here presently with these two beautiful children who I would do anything for. ANYTHING.
I'm realizing that the scars of life don't go away the moment you get something that you wanted. You quit focusing on the scars because you're too busy changing diapers and feeding children, but they are there. And if you don't focus on them, and find a way to heal those scars, they will resurface, and life will fall apart.
And no matter how much you try to keep your head above the water. . . you will eventually drown.
5 comments:
Love the honesty.
((hugs)) for you Leah.
I think of all the changes and craziness of adding one child to our family and I can't fathom how hard it's been adding two. Thank you for such an honest post! Sending hugs!
phew. I can only imagine. I know I was a disaster, too, with the treatments, and the loss. Cheeks has allowed me to heal, i thought, and heal slowly, but I feel those scars starting to open back up as we look forward to #2, and now I'm not so sure.
so, I feel ya. Sending hugs. You are doing an amazing job with your babes, those are so much-loved children.
Such a real and honest post. Those who haven't walked this road think baby=healing, which isn't so. I agree with AL looking toward #2 brings back so many emotions that you somehow gloss over and think you're "done" with. It's tough! You know you have sympathetic ears here!! Its hard to hear what a mess you were in the trenches and to think about the things that suffered, then you're left wondering how to put the pieces back together and what pieces you even want to put back together. Lots of love to you!!
Post a Comment