Oh, My Nur

Today something amazing happened.  My kids took 3 hour naps, and T decided that he wanted to nap as well, so I was able to enjoy our entire (clean) family room to myself.  I did an hours worth of ironing and decided to watch a documentary that I've been wanting to see called "Somewhere Inbetween" that follows 5 Chinese adoptees now living in the United States.

Adoption is heavy stuff.  Having an adopted son, I just don't take any of this lightly, so I spent approximately 2 hours watching the documentary and trying to contain the sobs.  (Afterall, I was enjoying my quiet time, and didn't want to risk waking up my family members)

Adoption is a very easy part of our lives right now.  My Nur is only 3 and a half years old.  He hasn't put together that he's adopted.  He tells me all the time that "Nur was born in Ethiopia."  He then goes and shows me a map and can find Ethiopia perfectly.  But really, he doesn't get what being born in Ethiopia means.  He also points to a picture we have hanging in our living room of an Ethiopian woman, and proudly exclaims, "Ethiopia Mama."  But again, I don't think he gets what that means.  He also tells me constantly that "Nur looks just like baba."  And well, they do both have brown eyes and brown hair, so I guess that isn't completely inaccurate.

But, his little brain hasn't put together the complexity of the situation.  Living where we do, I barely even get looks anymore about my unique looking family.  I should note the other day, at the local gas station, an African American woman came up to me and said, "Are these two babies your foster children?"  I quickly said, "Adopted" and smiled.  She then went on to tell me how wonderful she thinks that is.  I of course then realized that she must have thought both were adopted, but whatever, right?  For the most part though, I don't get questions.  I don't get looks.  This is my family.  My Egyptian husband, my Ethiopia son, my half-Egyptian, half everything else daughter, and of course me.  We are just one of million blended families living in this country.  Unique, we are not.

But we WILL get questions someday.  Eventually, Nur's friends will question why he looks so differently than his parents.  Nur will ask us details about his adoption, about his life in Ethiopia, about his story.  And if I'm being completely honest, a part of me is really nervous for Nur's awareness.  I'm not ready.  I struggle to keep my head above the proverbial waters on most days, let alone study what parenting an international adopted child looks like.  I need to do better.  I need to plan our first trip back to Ethiopia as a family.  I need to incorporate more of Ethiopia into our lives, I need to be ready for the questions, and I need to do everything I can for Nur to put together the pieces. 

My heart daily breaks for those children who live this reality.  Yes, I know Nur is one of the "lucky" ones.  But this child has lost so much, and just like these Chinese girls, he will always live somewhere inbetween.

Stretched Thin

I have a feeling the majority of mom's feel stretched thin.  We want to be great at every role we have in life, and in wanting that greatness, sometimes all we can be is average at everything we take on. 

As a woman, my family is everything to me, but that doesn't change the fact that I am also a financial provider, along with T, for our little family.  I have a demanding career that get's me to work early, and has me logging on late at night.  And I have two kids who at times feel neglected because of it. 

My Nur has been an absolute trooper.  Most days, he is his happy self, who enjoys playing, and reading books, and being together.  This child is such a blessing and can be the easiest child to parent.  Which is necessary, because I have a daughter who can be challenging at times.

My darling TT has been so out of sorts.  Every day when I get home from work, she is thrilled to see me.  I try to be intentional about giving her and Nur all of my time and devotion when I'm home, and our evenings have been going well.  Then, I give the warning that it's almost time to brush our teeth and go to bed for the evening, and this is when her mood changes.  She gets clingy, she cries, and starts yelling, "No mama work.  Mama stays!"  She melts completely and just holds me and sobs.  She knows that the following morning, when she wakes up, I will already be at work.  She struggles so much with this.  And T and I are struggling with her behaviors. 

TT has been potty trained since around the age of 2, yet she has started using pee as a weapon.  When she's upset about something, she'll wet her pants.  And this girl has amazing bladder control, which leads me to believe this is intentional.  I don't know what to do about this.  And I can't be upset because I understand that her behaviors are for legitimate reasons that currently are beyond my control.  I don't even think she's being naughty.  I think she is having a difficult time with the lack of time she has with me. 

And the hard thing, is even if we pinched our pennies and decided to live off one income, I don't know if staying home would be for me.  I like having a career.  I like using a part of my brain that isn't used as a mother.  I like having adult conversations and people thinking I'm smart.  Don't get me wrong, I like being a mom more than any of these things, but it's the balance of both roles that keep me going. 

This is the current road my family is navigating.  I picked up a book I've really been enjoying called "The Whole Brain."  I just started it, but it seems to be getting at the reasons behind certain behaviors.  I'm also taking a week off of work in a couple of weeks, and plan to love deeply and smother two kiddos the entire week.  I've been thinking of fun activities to do every day, and I can't wait for this much needed time with them.

There is also a big change on the horizon for my family, and I'm hoping to know more by the end of the day.

There is nothing easy about this season of life, and I remind myself daily that it's just a season.  



The Plan

Isn't it amazing to think how many times our plans change throughout life?  From my first memory, I knew I wanted to be a mom.  As I got older, that plan became more defined, and by the time I was married to T, I knew that someday I wanted approximately 2 children, a boy and a girl, and we'd live happily ever after.  My plan never got more defined than that. 

When infertility hit me in the face like a ton of bricks, the hardest thing to deal with was that what life looks like in our heads may not be what our lives actually look like.  Turns out, we have little control over many things in our life.  I spent nearly 2 years of my life trying to force something that wasn't meant to be. And finally, I let go.  I realized that life was going to look differently than what I had planned. I became ok with it. 

T and I began the adoption process, and a new plan came into focus.  A plan and a life I was excited about.  I was going to adopt a son from Ethiopia.  I would not have biological children, and that was ok.  I was going to be a mama.  And I was going to be the best mama to a son that I needed just as much as he needed me.  I felt peace.  A plan.  A plan I could get behind and support and love. I was going to be a mama to the most special boy that I ever dreamed of.

And just when I felt at peace with the way my life was going to be, the plan changed.  The pregnancy test that I took for no reason at all except that it was in my drawer.  October 30th, 2009.  And it said I was pregnant.  And in that moment, my plan changed once again.  Turns out, I was expecting a little girl.  The plan I had created in my youth of having a boy and a girl was coming true.  That little pregnancy test turned out to be TT.  My first child, and second oldest.  Nur's baby sister. 

More proof that I'm not in charge.  Not even a little. 

I have been a parent now for 2.5 years, which is odd to say, considering I have a child who is 3.5 years old, but I didn't parent him for the first 10 months.  Tonight, for the first time in that 2.5 years, I am all alone with my Nur.  TT is spending the night at her cousin and BFF's house with Grandma and Grandpa.  As we were driving back to our house all alone, T said something very interesting to me when I commented on how different the night would be because of having only on child.  T said, "Wasn't that our plan at one point?"  And you know what, it was our plan at one point.  Nur was our plan.  We were going to have one child, Nur, and be the best parents ever.  This was the plan for a while. 

Tonight I sit alone, with my Nur.  We are cuddling, and I'm giving him all of my attention instead of dividing it.  We are sitting on the couch, watching The Lion King, his favorite movie.

All I keep thinking is that this is how life could have been.  I don't even remember the ease of one child.  Afterall, I only had one child for 3 months before child #2 came into my life. 

All of this is a great reminder to me that at times, we don't understand why things happen the way they do.  We struggle to let go of things we have no control over.  But then our plan plays out.  And we sit back, and realize that we can't imagine, nor would we want, life to have played out any differently. 

Everything has a purpose.  And I'm living out mine.  And I fully realize, that my plan could change again tomorrow.

But for tonight, I'm enjoying showering my oldest child with attention.  But not even wanting to imagine what life would be like without baby sister. 

I need both of these souls to complete my story.  



Things I Said I Would Never Do

I am the least judgmental parent ever.  I will not even look your way as your child tantrums in Tar.get, or yells at you at school, or swats at you, or lays on the ground in protest.  Nope. I won't even glance your way.  And if I do happen to look your way, it will be to give you an understanding look because I have been there and I don't blame you. 

I am the least judgmental parent ever because frankly, I don't want to be judged.  This parenting thing is difficult.  The last thing I or anyone else needs is someone who thinks we are doing it all wrong and they have all the answers.  Every child is so different, and requires a different approach to parenting.  I learn that on a daily basis. 

I'll be the first to admit, I parent slightly different than i had intended to.  There were things I said I would never do as a parent (of course I said this before I was a parent) that I now do.  I'd love to be all Little House on the Prairie, but, I'm not even close.  Not even a little. 

Sometimes my kids eat high fructose corn syrup. . . to be honest, I don't check labels on any foods they eat.  Homecooked meals?  I do my best, but sometimes, chicken nuggets and mac-n-cheese, with a side of fruit and veggies will have to suffice.  My 2 and a half and 3 year old are still in cribs, but hey, they've never tried to climb out of their cribs, and if it ain't broke. . . My kids watch TV.  Sorry, but sometimes this mama needs a break.  We watch cartoon on Saturday mornings (and sometimes Sundays too!) and every evening before bed.  Yep, that's how we unwind. 

Sometimes, I reward my kids with chocolate.  I've learned, chocolate is a huge motivator with my children, and sometimes, I need them to behave a certain way.  My kids listen to techno, rap, the Beatles, and their all time favorite song (and video) of the moment is Gengnam Style.  TT can even do the entire dance. 

I bought a van with a DVD player in it, and well, I have resorted to putting in a DVD more times than I care to admit. 

Yes, parenthood looks differently than I was intending.  But, I don't sweat the small stuff.  I don't sit on goo.gle daily and worry about what red dye in foods may do to my children.  I don't have the energy to worry about such things.  My kids will never be organic eaters. They'll never know what it's like to have a mama who stays home all day, and has a homemade snack, and then a homemade dinner, ever single night. 

But let me tell you.  My kids are so happy.  I know this, because they tell me daily that they are.  They smile, and they laugh, and they are loved, and they know it.  They get fed, and bathed, and the other very important fundamentals to a good childhood. 

I respect all parenting choices.  Some people think certain aspects of parenting are more important than others.  But at the root of our choices, is a love deeper than we have ever known. 

When Great People Say Stupid Things

I could have called this post many different things.  I've always had a thick skin, and it takes a lot to offend me.  Trust me, I've gotten enough odd comments due to the way my family looks, and at the end of the day, I fully realize that the majority of people do mean well, and curiosity causes people to say all sorts of weird things.  I get that, and have never been overly offended by the extra stares or the questions.

But what about when someone close to you says something?  Someone who knows the story because they were there for every single step of it?  What then?

Last night, we were at a family function, when the topic of potty training came up.  Nur is 3, and not potty trained.  And guess who isn't stressing about it at all?  That would be me.  I know boys take longer, and I know he'll use the potty when he is good and ready.  I'm not going to push it.  Yes, I realize TT learned right after turning 2.  My children are very different from each other, and they both have areas they excel in, and they both have areas they could work on. 

Back to this family function.  I'm being grilled because Nur isn't potty trained.  Just Nur, this person, and myself were sitting at a table at the time.  This person then goes on to say that TT is much smarter than Nur, and it's because of her heritage.  This person than goes on to say that Nur's mother must have been a simple woman.

I didn't know what to say.  All I could do was look at Nur who was sitting with us and eating his crackers, and hoping that his 3 year old heart and head were protected in that moment from such ignorance nonsense.  Then I looked at this person, who I love dearly, and who is known for not saying the most intelligent things.  I went on to tell her that Nur is very smart but he's not ready for potty training, and I removed Nur from the situation.

Yet, here I am, the next day, and I can't get the comment out of my head.  I keep replaying all the things I want to say to this person, and all the things I should have said in the moment.  I know I must let it go, but I'm not happy that it was said, and I'm especially not happy that it was said in front of Nur.

Here's the thing.  Nur is PERFECT.  I couldn't love him more had I given birth to him.  I couldn't love him more had he been potty trained at 1, didn't have anxiety issues, didn't have sensory processing disorder.  I simply love him and I know he will do great things in this world.

Nur is the kindest child I have ever met.  He loves deeply, honestly, without expecting anything in return. He shares, while most children his age won't.  He cares so much about the happiness of his little sister, and is always letting her have her way cause he is simply laid back like that.  He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a child. 

I know people sometimes look at Nur and see the things he needs to work on.  He gets overwhelmed when around too many people and loud noises, changing his routine could be disastrous.  He can be irrational and have fits for reasons I don't understand.  He is in no hurry for most things, and that's okay. 

It's moments like this when I realize that I have fully bonded with my son.  Because as moms, don't we all see the beauty and perfection in our children while the world can see things entirely different?  I love Nur with all my heart, and I have no doubt his birthmom does too. 

And let me tell you about Ethiopian women.  I don't think calling them "simple-minded" is accurate.

I have no doubt that Ethiopians are some of the strongest people in this world.  They live their lives to make  the lives of their families easier, but they do this under circumstances that those with American privilege could not even begin to understand. 

The comments from strangers are easy to brush off, but the comments from people I love, not quite as easy.

Early in the Morning

I remember being a child, and my mom would get up so early.  I'm talking 3:30-4 in the morning people!  She would clean, cook, bake, and usually had Law and Order on in the background.  I never understood why someone would willingly wake up that early. 

And now I'm a mom.  And it all makes sense.  I could have slept in today until the moment my children woke up.  Afterall, I work from home on Fridays.  There is no reason to get up and dressed and out of the house.  I could be sleeping, all cuddled up in my bed.  Instead, my eyes popped open at 5:30.  I could hear the silence of the house, and a quiet living room, breakfast in peace, and my laptop started calling my name. 

I have always been someone who needs peace in my life.  The introvert in me craves alone time where I can do whatever I want and the only noise I hear is in my head.  Alone time is hard to come by these days, and that is not something I would change.  Most days, I wake up early in the morning and head to work and am surrounded by people all day.  I come home to two kids, and then a husband, and after the kids go to bed, it is time to spend with T.  Until the moment I go to sleep.  It's hard to be with just myself.

But any minute now, I'm going to hear TT from her crib, saying, "mama? mama? where are you?"  Then Nur will wake up, and there will be breakfast, and playing, and being together. Laughs, cries, and chaos.  And it will all be perfect. And I'll enjoy every minute of it.  And I'll feel refreshed because I got to sit alone, and just be for a few minutes first.



As if TT has an alarm clock of her own, at exactly 6:28am, I hear my first mama.  I'll wait a few minutes to go in her room, and when I do, I know I'll be greeted with a smile, cuddles, and a lot of love.  And I'll remain thankful that my alone time isn't too plentiful.  

I'm so thankful that I have this family, chaos and all.

And there was another mama, so I am off.

Happy Friday.

Great Children

Behind every great child is a mother who thinks she is not doing enough.

I saw that on face.book the other day, and it couldn't be more true.  I spend most of my days thinking that I'm not doing enough.  I second guess my choices, and every behavior I see from my children, I internalize and make it all about something I'M doing wrong.  Sure, I' have moments of clarity and logic where I realize that Nur and TT are still developing their brains.  They are toddlers.  They are going to have moments of irrational behaviors.  They will act out in inappropriate ways. 

So, how are my children doing?  Most days, I would say pretty well, but let's be honest, some days are downright challenging.

My Nur.  Is it just me, or does he look great in purple?  His little sister, who acts more like his big sister, has been insisting on wearing Nur's clothes.  Which means Nur sometimes has to wear her clothes.  Now he requests the purple coat, and well, it does look good on him.

This boy is smart.  Really really smart.  I could give so many examples, but one that comes to mind is, I recently hired a cleaning service.  They had only been to our house twice already.  Then one morning last week, the cleaning car drove by our house, and Nur yells, "The cleaning ladies are here!"  This boy remembers things I don't even remember.  He is so observant, and so kind.  But, he still can't take off his shoes. Actually, I think he can do it, but he won't.  Instead, he will cry when we ask him.  Asking him to pull down his pants always invokes a strong reaction from him and a fit of crying.  Take this boy out of a routine, and it's like starting WW III.  Yes, we have some triggers with Nur. 

He is on a waiting list to be checked to see if he is on the autism spectrum.  I called a great place in our city, which is when they informed me that the wait is 5-7 months.  I don't know what's going on with Nur, but I know he needs some sort of intervention, and I can't even remember how long ago I called, but I feel like we are 2 months into the wait already. 



And then there is TT.  She can seriously be the sweetest child you've ever seen.  I've caught her stealing hugs and kisses from Nur, and she is always loving up on me, but man, I don't know if I've ever known a naughtier child.  At church school this past week, she hit a boy that just wanted to play with her.  She acted out, and I was so embarrassed! Her hitting has gotten better, but she'll still wack someone when she gets emotional or frustrated.  Developmentally, she's doing great, but this child who can be so sweet, can also be so darn stinky.  I feel like half my days are just saying no and disciplining this child, which is not fun for anyone.

As a Mom, I sit and think, maybe if I did this, or that, or got them involved in XYZ, worked less, played with them more, and the list goes on. . .  and on. . .  and on. . .

Happy Wednesday!