Learning to Love

Adoption is full of surprises, and unknowns, and until one adopts a child, they really don't know what those unknowns will be.

One of the biggest surprises that I have experienced with this adoption, is that I have had to learn and choose to love Nur.  My love wasn't this biological response to a pregnancy.  My love had to be more deliberate. 

The above picture is the first time I ever laid eyes on my son.  I'll never forget how emotional that day was.  I called my adoption agency that day and accepted the referral.  What I was actually doing that day, is making a life long promise that I would be Nur's mom.  He would be my child.  I would raise him and provide for him my entire life.  Out of all the babies in Ethiopia, Nur was given to me.  And I chose him. 

Then there was the day we met.

I sobbed the moment he was placed in my arms.  I'll never forget his soft skin, his baby scent, his big eyes, his hair, or the bracelet he wore on his arm.  Nur 4398.  I sat ackwardly with my son on a couch.  At first, I held him facing me.  But he was visibly uncomfortable with that amount if intimacy, and honestly, so was I in some ways. 

We were complete strangers, brought together by circumstances out of both of our hands.  Brought together by choices made.  Nur felt nothing for me.  I felt a strong urge to protect this child for life.  To raise him.  To be his mom.  But love?  Not quite yet. 

There are so many things that can't be taught to an adoptive parent because we are all on our own journey, and no two people will experience adoption in the same way.  I often felt shame because of how I felt initially.  I felt that this couldn't be normal.  Why aren't my maternal instincts kicking in?  But I've also learned through adoption that I needed to have grace with myself.  This was new for me, and I shouldn't apologize for how I feel. 

In the days following Nur being placed in my arms, I woke up and chose to love this beautiful child.  And as days turned into months, there was no choice anymore.  I just simply loved my son. 

My heart smiles when I think of my son, and his eyes light up in my presence.  We both fell in love with each other.  There wasn't one defining moment in the process, instead, there were hours, days, months of building a relationship and trust.  And now?  I am so in love with this son of mine.  At first, my love was a choice, but that choice was quickly taken away from me by the overwhelming sense of gratitude that I was given the opportunity to be this beautiful child's mom.

"Love, is above all else, the gift of oneself." - Jeanne Moreau