Let me take you back.
A couple of weekends ago, T and I decided to have his parents come to our house during naptime so he and I could run errands, go to lunch, and a pedicure! Yes. . . that is right. . . my husband got a pedicure. He loved it, and the nice women at the salon talked him into painting his toe nails.
I've completely lost my identity. I went 30 years without being a Mom, but now that I am one, that has taken over my entire life. I get home from work and have a kid in my arm until the moment they go to bed. I wake up, and have a kid in my arm until the moment I go to sleep. I shower with kids, go to the bathroom with kids. Change clothes with kids. (While they sit and point and say booby and giggle)
As much as I love being a Mom, I've let other areas of my life slide. I used to be a loving wife, but now, I barely have time for anything, so I hope that husband of mine knows how much he's loved, cause I certainly don't have energy to tell him most days. I used to have friends, where conversations didn't revolve around kids and their eating and bathroom habits. I used to have passions. I loved reading, writing, traveling, politics, spending time with friends. And now? I'm too tired for passions. If I do have free time at the end of the day, the only thing I have energy for is terrible reality television.
At the root of all of this are the best intentions. I want my children to know how fiercely I love them. I want them to know that when I am physically present, I am always engaged. I want them to have the BEST life possible. I want them to feel safe and secure. I am so focused on all of these things, that I can't be focused on much else.
But I feel an unhealthy imbalance going on in my life, and I'm trying to fix it. I'm looking for a way to focus more on my husband and our relationship, and more on myself. I'm finding that with so many things pulling at me, I need to be more intentional with every relationship in my life.
11 comments:
I just read an article a few days ago (heck if I can remember which site it came from, and I can't find out now). But it was about how having "balance" as a mom is a myth. It's reserved for the childless. As a mother, you HAVE to prioritize the needs and wants of yourself and your children. That looks different for everybody, and has a lot to do with your personal feelings. But there is no need to feel "guilty" if the majority of your current identity is defined by being a mother. You have two toddlers, for goodness sake! Plus you are a WORKING mother! How are you supposed to have the time to do much outside of working and parenting?
Im another one who has let some of my areas slip as well and we are also working on them. Its so hard once you have kids to get in quality time with them as well as do things you enjoy and want to do as a mom.
I do know what you mean! It used to bug me a lot but then I realized, this is just a season of life. This is the way it is right now. I'm tired ALL the time! I'm up a lot in the night, I care for littles all day long, and sometimes a half hour of sitting on the couch with my hubby at the end of the day is the closest thing we get to "quality time"! It won't always be like this, though. As the boys are getting older I am finding I have more time (and energy) to do the things I enjoy. I think you're right, it is important to make our relationships with our husbands a priority and we do try to have time away from the kids just to be the two of us. It's not easy though! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this!
How seriously awesome is it that your husband got a pedi with you!!! Fun!
Haha! Balance?
I admire you for making sure your time with your kids is always of quality. I confess, I'm so bad at checking my email, or watching tv, or doing chores that could probably wait, when I could be spending quality time with my girls. I guess I get that from teaching. You have to multitask in order to survive. But still... I could do a better job at home with focusing on my girls.
Keeping it real, about six months ago things came to a head between the Hubs and I and it become obvious that being the Mama and Dada and overtaken our lives. We have had to work hard to refocus on us and it wasn't pretty at first. It's so hard, this balance. Good luck on the journey.
I totally chuckled at the first half of this post. :) I find myself referring to N as "Daddy," even when Arlo isn't in the room. And I am pretty certain I refer to my maternal self in third person, too. Sigh. It is what it is, girl. :)
And I, too, am completely touched out by the end of the day. Like you, my personal space has been completely invaded--showers, peeing, Arlo constantly reaching down into my collar and rooting around in my bra with his hands etc. It's everywhere. And you just kind of get so used to it that you're confused when someone else gasps at you in shock when your kid sticks his hand down your shirt and into your bra and plays a toddler version of Tune In Tokyo.
But, about balance. I try to think of it in a broader scope. Like, it's all really intense right now, but it will become a little less intense in time, and that will make room for those passions. You know how you're supposed to look at a toddler's nutrition across the week? Perhaps we should look at balance that way, across a broader span of time.
I do miss getting lost in a book, or spending a whole Saturday sewing something, or hell, just picking up and driving out on a day trip, no plans needed. We'll get back there one day!
i admire that you're making time for your hubby. i think it's important.
p.s. i love how much you treasure your kids and family.
What a great post! That's hilarious that you referred to yourself in the third person even when your kids weren't around. Ha ha. I am also a working mom, and it does seem very hard to have balance. So much of my energey and attention gets focused on my son, and I have to make an effort to talk to my husband about other things than just our son. I definitely feel like I have to make an effort to be an engaged spouse. So glad that you and T got some time away. By the way, I noticed in previous posts that you changed K's name to Nur. Just wondering why? As always, thanks for sharing. Heather
It's just enough to know that there are other moms out there who can relate...another Mama.
Oh man, I so relate to this post!! D and I have been making a pointed effort to refocus on our relationship lately. It's not easy for sure!!
PS - Love that T got a pedi with you!!!
I can feel you on needing maintenance in my marriage! Between S's crazy work schedule and C's being a baby, there's just not much time and I'm one of those freaky moms who can barely leave her baby (working on that)!!! I will say that I really try to keep up my running just to keep some part of myself, to have something I'm interested in aside from constantly gushing about my precious child, but this is a stage in life and things will be different one day and we'll miss them pulling up our legs while we try to go to the bathroom!!! Again, thanks for sharing and being honest, making the rest of us know we're not alone!! :)
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