Silly Man

I haven't really made any baby purchases yet. I've been given some gifts and things, but I haven't actually bought anything.

Yet, every week, we seem to get a new package in the mail. And every week, it's of the same nature. Yes. . . apparently my husband has been shopping on e.bay for clothing attire with his favorite soccer team's name on it. My husband LOVES soccer, and he loves his Manchester United Team.

We don't know how old our child will be when we bring him home, so T gets onesies in a few different sizes. One of these onesies, he actually picked up in England last winter when he flew there to see a Manchester United match.

So, it looks like our child will not be short of soccer attire. I could pretend to be annoyed, but honestly, I think it's the cutest thing ever. T is as excited to be a parent as I am, and for that, I am truly lucky.

The Inevitable Comments

I want to preface this post by saying, I feel so loved and supported by all, and it's the best feeling in the world. I hate to use my blog as a place to complain, because I am so happy and blessed in my life. But it is also a place I try to educate people. This is really the main reason I started the blog in the first place. To educate people about the adoption process. Most of the time, I'm just preaching to the choir, afterall, I'm guessing the majority of my blog readers have adopted or are planning to adopt.

Moving on. . .

When announcing our pregnancy to people, the first inevitable question we were asked was, "Are you still planning to adopt? This question I fully expected, and it didn't bother me at all. Afterall, many agencies won't even let you adopt if you are pregnant. So, I expected the question and was fine with it.

But the second thing most people sayd was the inevitable comment that bothered me. This comment was (and is) being made constantly. Almost.Every.Single.Time. The comment most people make is that all one has to do is adopt and then they'll end up pregnant. Or I'll tell people I'm pregnant, and they'll just laugh and say I told you so. I told you once you started the adoption process you'd get pregnant. (Really? You knew? Because I was almost 100% positive that I'd never have a biological child, so I'm so glad by your certainty) Or the stories people tell me. Because almost every person I've shared my pregnancy news with knows of someone who adopted and then got pregnant. As if that was the only thing people struggling to get pregnant needed to do. Yes, just adopt people, and then you'll get pregnant.

Yes, I have heard this comment no less than 5,435 times. And I know people mean well. These comments are coming from wonderful, supportive people who have been nothing but great to me. But the comment does bother me, and it's frankly, just not true. I've researched the frequency of this happening, and it's actually very rare. So rare in fact, that when it does happen, it's been known to make the news.

And I don't doubt that many people out there know someone who adopted and then got pregnant. But don't make the assumption that the person was adopting just because they couldn't get pregnant. People adopt for all sorts of reasons. T and I were going to adopt regardless of our fertility. It was always part of our plan.

People started making this comment to us before we were even pregnant. They liked to tell us that as soon as we started the adoption process, we'd get pregnant. That comment equally irked me. I was 100% okay with not getting pregnant. I was 100% in for the adoption, and that was the most important thing. People just assumed we were only adopting because we couldn't get pregnant.

I want to end this post by saying again that I know people mean well. But the comments people make stick with me, as I'm sure they stick with other people who have heard those comments. Always try to be aware of the comments you make to people and how those comments affect them. I know I'm guilty of making unintentionally hurtful comments. Everyone does it, and in most situations, it's simply a learning opportunity.

(As I finished typing this post, the Director of my department approached me. He wanted to offer his congratulations, and he shook my hand. He then said, "I have a neighbor who couldn't get pregnant, couldn't get pregnant, and then they adopted an adorable little boy, and bam, she got pregnant." AHHHHHHHHHHHH. That is me screaming!!! I certainly haven't discussed my fertility with my Director. Why do people make assumptions that people only adopt because of infertility? It's a really scary assumption to make. Okay. . . fuming. . . must go eat chocolate to calm nerves)

Adopted

Our adoption agency recommended everyone going through international adoption watch a documentary called Adopted. So, I added it to our net.flix Q, and last night, T and I sat down to watch it.

I was really looking forward to the documentary, and wasn't sure what to expect. I guess I could have read more about it, but I love the element of surprise. It was very good. But definitely not what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting something upbeat. . . talking about how wonderful international adoption is. Well, that was not this documentary.

This documentary was mainly focused on a grown woman, who had been adopted as a baby from South Korea. She was adopted by two white parents, and raised in a town where she was the only non-white person. She was constantly teased about her eyes, her jet black hair, and her different appearance. At one point, she begged her Mom to let her have eye surgery to make her eyes round, and to have her hair dyed blond.

One of the most wonderful things during this documentary, was when this adoptive woman said that when you adopt someone, you don't just adopt a person. You adopt who they are, you adopt their heritage, their ancestry, their being. When this woman was adopted in the mid 70's, the pattern wasn't to speak about the adoption. The adoptive parents felt threatened by this woman's birth family, so the topic was not allowed.

At one point, this woman says:

I was Korean, but not.
I was White, but not.
I was an American, but not.

She really struggled with her identity. She didn't fit into the Korean culture, because she didn't even know the language. Sure, she looked like them, but that was the only similarity. She had grown up around all white people, but everytime she looked in the mirror, it was a reminder that she wasn't white.

The most powerful thing she said was at the very end of the documentary.

"People only want to talk about the good things about adoption. But adoption wouldn't exist if abandonment didn't exist. I was adopted because I was abandoned. And the thing adoptive parents need to realize, is that we children realize that. . . at a much younger age than anyone thinks."

This documentary gave T and I so much to think about. I've always been very cognizant about the fact that adoption stems from loss. But now we will work hard to give our son an identity. We are blessed to live in an extremely diverse community. He will in no way be the minority, in fact, he may actually be part of the majority race. We need to do everything in our ability to give him the identity that he deserves. We now have knowledge on our side. . . In the 70's, adoption was very different. Now, adoption seems to be more open. But I finished the documentary feeling sad and overwhelmed. It was just reiteration that the focus needs to be on the adoptive child, and not what I'm gaining from this. We must adopt everything about this little boy, especially the country in which he'll be born.

Have you adopted internationally? What have you done to give your child identity? Or are you in the process of adopting? And do you have any ideas?

The Best Kind of Overwhelmed There Is

Overwhelmed.

That word doesn't quite sum up exactly how I'm feeling. All day long, I sit at work and think about my changing life. I make lists in my head of all the things T and I need to do. I plan and dream of the life that awaits us. And then I get home, exhausted, and all of these great plans are put off for another day, as I get into my bed at 8pm, to get my 10 hours of sleep every night.

I try not to be hard on myself. I continue to tell myself that I have months and months before all of these projects need to be done. Life just feels discombobulated. I have a need to control everything that is in my power to control, and that's what I'm trying to do right now. But I'm tired, and I'm cold, and my head hurts. . . and it is just more fun to lay in bed and watch TV than to work on these projects.

But all day long, my head spins.

Daycare for 2 infants in my city will cost about $2,500 a month. How will we afford that? I still need to work, T needs to work. . . so yes, we will need to think of something for our children.

How am I going to work out maternity leave, especially when I don't know when our adoption will be complete and T and I will be able to travel to get our son. Will I need to take two maternity leaves? One in July? Then one when the adoption is complete? Will my work even allow that?

Must organize our house so it feels like it has more space. Organization is the key to happiness! We'll need to organize all the kitchen cabinets to make space for baby stuff, we'll need to buy some shelfing for our pantry that we've never used since we bought our house, cause there was never the need for that space. We'll need to clear out the one bedroom we currently use as an office, and move our office to our lower level family room. We need to clear out one guest room, and move the guest room to our lower level bedroom. We need to paint. We need cribs, and dressers. We need a plan.

Oh my gosh. . . We are having two children. We are not prepared. How are we going to afford this? How are we going to adjust to this? We don't have a bath in our house. Instead, we have an oversized shower. How will that work with babies? Will we have to bath them in the sink? But what about when they get bigger? Will we need to transition them to showers at the age of 1?

Ahh. . . Yes. The constant thoughts running through my head. I thought I'd let you into the madness and sheer panic currently going on in there. And, if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. :-D

Adoption Updates

1. T and I have been on the waitlist for almost 2 months! It will be officially 2 months in a couple of days. YAY!!! (I have a ticker at the very bottom/center of this blog if you ever want to track the timeline with me) A part of me feels like the wait has gone fast, but another part of me feels like we've been on the waitlist forever.

2. We received a packet in the mail from our adoption agency going over the referral process as well as the travel process. I've only taken a quick glimpse over the paperwork, but it looks so exciting! Next week we will have a conference call with our agency to go over all the paperwork. It's hard to believe that this is the next step for us. It feels good to be sitting where we are.

3. Our referral could could at anytime, although I don't realistically expect it until late spring, early summer. I really want it to come soon (because I'm really impatient and because I really want to meet this baby of ours) however, when it comes, we will owe the agency $5,300 if we want to accept the referral. So, that means we need to come up with some ideas on how to raise some money. We plan on holding a garage sale this summer, but if the referral comes before that, I don't know what we'll do. As with everything, it will get figured out.

4. T and I met a great couple who is local and they are adopting from the same agency as us, as well as the same country. Last night the 4 of us went out to dinner, and the food was was delicious. It's so nice to meet a couple who is local and I look forward to getting to know them better. One can never have too many adoption connections. :)

5. T and I are busy with house plans right now. Organization so we have room for our growing family, and some people in our lives have offered us furniture they are no longer using. Before we know it, the baby rooms will be complete. :-D

So, those are the current updates in the adoption process. We are thankful that things continue to move forward, and we look forward to the next steps.

Painful Thoughts. . . A Follow Up

I cannot thank you all enough for your kind and thoughtful remarks to this post. You all gave me such wonderful perspective.

I read all of the comments and really put a lot of thought into what each one of you said in response to my post.

A reaccuring theme that I saw is that pregnancy is more real for people, because in 9 months, there will be a baby. But with adoption, there are so many uncertainties.

That is very interesting to me. I realize that is how most people think, but I also realize that I am not most people. You see, someone who struggles to get pregnant, changes. . . drastically. Everything about me in the past 1.5 years has changed. I used to have a "can do" attitude, but that all changed. I became a part of a community of people struggling to get pregnant, and of pregnancy loss. Through all of this, I realized that getting pregnant also doesn't guarantee that you'll have a baby in 9 months. For some, they never bring home a baby.

There are uncertainties in both adoption and pregnancy. Neither one is a guarantee that a baby will join a family in the end. All we can do is hope and pray that that is the outcome.

Thanks again for the support I always feel from this wonderful community. And tomorrow, I promise a happy and uplifting post. :-D

Painful Thoughts

I've been struggling about whether or not to write this post, as I don't want to hurt people who are still longing to have a biological child. I also don't want to offend people about your reactions, as I may refer to them below. But I did want to give a glimpse into the life of someone who has experienced the adoption process and the being pregnant process. (Both are still works in progress)

So, I guess this is my warning. . . sensitive material below.

When T and I started the adoption process, I wanted nothing more than for the whole thing to feel real. I can't tell you what exactly real is, but I knew I wanted to feel like any expectant mother, because in my own right, I AM expecting. Everyone creates family in different ways, and for us, we were creating it through a wonderful WONDERFUL gift called adoption.

Once we got far enough along in our paperwork, T and I wanted to spread our joy with others. Because we were feeling FULL joy. When my sister announced to us that she was pregnant, my Mom immediately sent a message out to family that she was going to be a grandma. It was the most natural thing in the world. When I told my Mom that T and I were ready to announce our adoption, it didn't feel so natural. I didn't feel comfortable telling everyone myself, but I wanted extended family to know our plans. Finally, I asked my Mom to email the entire family, just like she did when my sister was expecting. She emailed it to about 30 family members. I received I believe 2 responses back congratulating me.

Even when we told people in person about our adoption plan, we were met with mixed reactions. Some were thrilled, and hugged us, and beamed. I don't want to take away from those people. Others just said, congrats, while others were disappointed. Yes, I am as shocked as you probably are to know that there are people out there who think adoption is bad. But I couldn't make this up. These people exist, and their reactions were hurtful.

Because I hadn't experienced any method of creating a family besides adoption, I wrote this all off as normal. I figured this was just how people respond to growing families. I also figured I would never know any different, as this is how T and I are growing our family, so I let it go. I chose not to dwell.

Then I got pregnant. Then I started telling people I was pregnant. And yes, the reactions solidified everything I was previously thinking. . . people react MUCH differently to adoption news than to pregnancy news. MUCH different.

I was met with countless hugs, tears, emails, congratulatory expectant mother cards. (Wait, I thought I was already expecting?) There were some people who didn't even react to the adoption news, reacting BIG time to the pregnancy news.

I was hurt.

At one point, I articulated all of my thoughts to my Mom, and she explained that maybe people seem more excited about the pregnancy news because it seems more tangible. A reasonable explanation, I suppose, but the pregnancy does not feel any more tangible to me than the adoption. Not even a little bit. To me, the adoption is as real as it can get.

After being met with so much joy and happiness by the pregnancy news, I realized that people's reactions to the adoption news was most likely due to their uncertainty on whether or not this was a good thing. I mean, can adoption ever be a good thing if the reason you're doing it is because you couldn't get pregnant? It was like there was shame surrounding me which was reflective in people's reactions to the news. Honestly. . . That's how it felt. It was as if people felt sorry for me. They were happy I was going to be a Mom, but so sad that I wasn't going to have one of my "own."

I also want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I realize that people were probably so overjoyed by the pregnancy news because they new it was something I wanted. That could explain their excitement about the pregnancy, but it can't explain their lack of joy around the adoption.

I feel incredibly blessed to be one of the lucky few who are experiencing both. It has given me a new perspective on all of this. I'm a bit sad and disappointed however, by the huge difference of reactions. A part of me even felt anger when I was sqeezed tightly as congrats were being screamed in my ear. I'm happy you are excited about the pregnancy, but why weren't you excited about the adoption?

Again, I end this post by saying. . . I am so blessed. I know I am. I am lucky. I am thankful beyond belief. I hope that the difference in people's reactions will in no way reflect the difference in how my two children will be treated. Because I will love them both the same. I will love them both to the moon and back.