Choosing Names

Picking names for your children is such a fun thing to do! I've had so many people ask me about how we came up with our children's names, so I thought I would dedicate a post to just that!


KHALIL

T and I knew we wanted an Arabic name for our boy to honor T's heritage. The front runner early on was Amir. We both loved the name, which means prince, however, I didn't like the name with our last name. It just didn't flow. . . at all. So, we went back to the drawing boards, which is when I came across the name Khalil, and I knew instantly that THAT WAS HIS NAME. I loved the name so much because I love the poet Khalil Gibran, whose most famous writing, The Prophet, was read at our wedding, as well as my parent's wedding. Sometimes it is spelled Kahlil, but the proper Arabic spelling is Khalil. So, we went with it.

I usually say his name like KA-LEEL. Although, the proper Arabic pronounciation is Khalil. . . and think really throaty sound on the Kh. But, it's all good, and I love the name, and I love that it has so much meaning for us. :) Seriously, his name was easy to choose!

SCARLETT

Scarlett's name = not so easy! The night before my 20 week ultrasound where we were hoping to find out the gender, T and I were sitting in our office, and we said, if it's a girl, let's name her Zahra Susan! Zahra is T's Mom's name, and Susan is my Mom's name. The next day, we found out in fact that it WAS a girl, so Zahra Susan it was! We started affectionately calling her Zasu. Now, Zahra is a beautiful name, but not an easy one to say for English speakers. I've been around Arabic so much, that I know how they accent words differently. And because T and I were keeping the name a secret, I didn't have anyone to bounce the name off of. Well, around 8 months pregnant, I decided I better bounce the name off someone, because I was realizing how misprounced the name would be. I spelled the name for my friend, and asked how she would pronounce it, and she said Zara. A couple other friends agreed, Zahra = Zara. Well, the real pronounciation is actually ZaHHH - ra. (HEAVY accent on the H) T and I realized that her name would always be mispronounced, and we just weren't okay with that. So, back to the drawing board we went. We were about a month from having her, and had no idea what to name her. Then the name Scarlett came to me. I loved the name. It has no significance in my life. Just a name I love, and one that isn't real common. (I didn't want a too common of a name) T loved the name also. The only problem was. . . my sister just had a baby in November and well, let's just say that Scarlett rhymes with her baby's name, and I thought that may be a bit weird. So, I talked to my sister and asked her opinion, and she didn't mind at all. She said that they are cousins, and not sisters, so it's not so weird. Granted, many people call Scarlett by my sister's baby's name, and visa versa, but whatever.

And the runner up to Scarlett was Elise, after Beethoven's Fur Elise. What do you think? Does she look like a Scarlett, a Zahra, or an Elise?

We are ALMOST There

I remember my first post on this blog, click here. It was July 31st, 2009, and I announced T and I's plan to adopt. We had already been in the process for over a month, but we wanted to finish some of the initial paperwork before announcing our plans to the world. I remember being SO happy to write that post. I wanted to share the joy and hope that adoption had brought into our lives.

It's hard to believe that I wrote that just over a year ago, and here I am today, just a little over a week until I fly to Ethiopia to meet our son.

When we first started the process, all the steps involved in adoption were daunting. We had so much paperwork to fill out, so many classes to attend, so many visits with a social worker, and so much money to come up with. There were days early on when I wondered if we would ever have our child.

T was always full of hope and trust though. He would often tell me that he knew we were going to be parents. I wasn't so sure. On a trip to England, he even picked our child (who didn't exist at the time) a onesie displaying T's favorite futbol team's name. A onesie that I will be bringing to Ethiopia next week. When I was full of doubt, T was full of hope.

I remember often wishing that I could see a glimpse into my future. What would it look like? Would this adoption work out? What would my son look like? What would his story be? I so much wanted to just fast forward to when everything about the adoption was a little more certain.

It's amazing to me how much life can change in such a short amount of time. I never would have guessed where my life would be at this moment. I couldn't have guessed it in a million years. I couldn't have guessed that this blog that I created to document our journey through adoption would become a pregnancy, motherhood, life, and adoption blog. I never could have guessed that there would be a Scarlett AND a Khalil.

I also couldn't have guessed how many people have chosen to follow our journey. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like people truly want this all to work out. It makes me feel like there are so many people out there who don't even know Khalil, yet want wonderful things for his life. Something I've learned is that there are never too many people who can love your children. And I feel like people love and support my children so much. It makes me happy and proud.

So here I am. . . in the homestretch. A part of me feels like this journey is coming to an end. . . but I know it's really just beginning.

A Little Bit of EVERYTHING

Mind = Spinning.

Be warned. . . this post may be everywhere.

• T and I had a social worker visit yesterday. It feels so weird to have this visit considering we are almost done with the adoption. But, apparently MN requires that homestudies be updated every year, and ours was due to be updated. So, we had the social worker come to our house yesterday. I think I've mentioned this before, but T and I have two adoption agencies we work with. One is local, and one is out in Oregon, and the Oregon one is the one who does the referral and everything dealing with Ethiopia, and the local one does all the homestudy stuff. Well, not real impressed with the local agency I must say. Anyway, this social worker mentioned that if T and I both attended the embassy hearing, that Khalil would come to the US on an American passport, and that the adoption would be finalized in Ethiopia. The way T and I are doing it, Khalil will come over on a visa that will require us to finalize the adoption in the US, which can take time, and well, T and I were kind of hoping to finalize this in 2010 for many reasons. . . one of them being that we could desparately use that adoption credit. This information put us in such an uproar that T almost thought about calling my Mom to say he would go to Ethiopia with me and change her ticket to his name, and that Scarlett would stay with my parents for the week. We were all about to call my Mom when I decided I should really call my contact at the Oregon agency instead. She informed me that the social worker was incorrect, and for Khalil to have his adoption finalized in Ethiopia I would have had to attended court. Well, that didn't happen, so I'm glad we didn't stir things up. The reality is, is that we'll just have to do all the finalization in the US. It is what it is. While talking to the social worker, T said to both of us, "It makes sense for me to go to Ethiopia as well, but it would just kill me to leave Scarlett." Talk about a knife piercing my heart. Oh, how T means well, but NOT what I wanted to hear. And why? Because my heart is literally breaking at the thought of leaving.

• Scarlett had her 2 month doctor's appointment yesterday. She weighed 11 pounds, 2 ounces, which put her in the 56% for weight. Her height was 22.5 inches, which put her in the 65%. She had 3 shots. It was devastating. (I'm dramatic, I know) Scarlett was in a great mood at the doctor's office, talking and smiling, and then the first needle went in. She went silent, and then just screamed and cried. Then I started tearing up. The nurse was quick and then I was able to hold Scarlett and soothe her. But it was awful and I never want to see a child in that much pain again. (Yet I will in 2 months when she gets her 4 month shots! Ugh!) I realize I need a thicker skin to be a mama. In the car on the way home, I sat in the backseat with Scarlett. Her eyes were closed and she was sucking away on her pacifier, and my mind started wandering. I started thinking of all those babies who are physically abused in this world. It made me sick to my stomach. Scarlett had shots. Some babies are abused and tortured. Then I started thinking about Khalil. Was he ever physically hurt? How many times has he cried and no one ran to pick him up? How many times has he felt alone? Then I started crying all over again and wishing that Khalil had never endured any pain, either physically or emotionally in his life.

• I wake up much earlier than I need to in the mornings and just pray and meditate, and listen to Scarlett stir as she gets ready to wake. I'm finding solace in the alone time (the only alone time I get these days) but I also find the time filled with sadness. I listen to Scarlett grunt, as she readies to meet the day. I watch her legs get kicked up in the air, and her arms stretch above her head. I anxiously wait for her to open her eyes so I can run over to her bassinett, put my head over her face, and excitedly say, "Hi Scarlett." Everytime I do that, she gives me her million dollar smile, and her face exudes so much joy. Than I get sad. What will she think for the 9 days I don't meet her pretty little face in the morning? Will she feel deserted? Sad? Or oblivous? (I'm hoping oblivious) That's when I get sad. And perhaps a bit scared. I don't know what our life will look like with two babies. I have so much anxiety about it. Will both babies get the attention they need? Will Scarlett feel jealous that all of a sudden she isn't the center of our world? Will she even notice? Will she immediately take to me when I return from the trip? So much anxiety, you are all probably so sick of hearing about. Last night I talked to T about all of this, and he said something that is so true. He told me that I always find something to worry about, and in the end, everything always works out, and this will too. Khalil and Scarlett will love each other, they will know that he and I are their parents, and everything will be fine. I needed to hear that.

• I leave 2 weeks FROM TODAY. 2 weeks people. I can't believe it. This trip just needs to happen already. . . for so many reasons. One, is the anticipation of this is miserable. I'm beating myself up so badly. I have a hard time even enjoying my time with Scarlett, because my mind keeps fast forwarding to two weeks where I will say goodbye for a few days. I'm guilt ridden. I'm sad. I feel torn. And yet at the same time. . . I am excited. I GET TO MEET MY SON!!! I get to go on a vacation. (I mean, it is a vacation, right?) I get to visit Ethiopia, a place I've always wanted to see. I get to visit the wonderful orphanage where Khalil has been living. I get to spend a week with my Mom, who I know will love the experience. I GET TO BRING MY SON HOME. How can anyone be so excited and so sad all at once? That is me right now.

The only thing getting me through these days right now is looking to the future. I make my mind go to around Halloween. I picture, T, Khalil, Scarlett and I all celebrating. T and I will get them cute costumes (that they won't care about at all) We'll be the family of 4 I've dreamed about for SO LONG. I won't have any anxiety over upcoming trips because I'll be home. Khalil and I will both be home. Scarlett will be the happy little baby she is, and won't feel neglected at all by the fact that there is another child in the mix. She'll be happy because she feels the energy from T and I. . . and we'll be happy. Khalil will be adjusting beautifully. It will be difficult, but he will be loved so darn much that it will feel suffocating. (in a good way of course) I'll feel so happy that I saw my son's homeland. . . a decision I will never regret. I'll realize that Scarlett wasn't affected at all by my being gone. In fact, she doesn't even remember it.
That vision I'm having makes me happy. It is definitely the life According to Leah vision that I have.

Has It Been 2 Months Already?

This afternoon we take Scarlett to her 2 month appointment. Hard to believe it's been 2 months!

Scarlett is just so much joy. Seriously. I appreciate every moment with her.

She is starting to have such a fun personality. And her nanny is wonderful. She updates me throughout the day with pictures of Scarlett. Means so much to me, and I love that Scarlett is happy in her care.

Here are the latest pictures. :)

What a Difference a Day Makes

I survived my first day back and work, and today was a little bit easier to say goodbye to Scarlett in the morning. I'd still rather be with her, but I now have the confidence that I can do this, and that it will all work out.

I feel like I learned so much in the past 24 hours.

1. Going to my day job is so much easier than staying home. I'd rather stay home still, but it is so difficult and stay at home parents do not get enough credit. It's work! I actually feel like when I go to my job, it's a break. And for the first time in a while, I was able to eat lunch with BOTH hands. Wow!

2. Now that I'm away from Scarlett for 9 hours every day, when I am with her, I want the time to count. I don't have the quantity I desire, so I must focus on the quality. When I got home from work yesterday, I grabbed Scarlett immediately and didn't put her down for the next 3 hours. I put her in a baby bjorn and carried her everywhere I went in the house. I just held her, and cuddled her, and talked to her, and reassured her. . . for hours. When I was home with Scarlett all day, I didn't feel so bad that I would just hold her while I watched a show. But now that I'm away from her all day, I want to make the most of the time we have together.

3. Babies Scarlett's age, well, at least Scarlett, are just happy to be well taken care of. If they are getting fed, changed, held, and played with, they are generally happy. I know all babies are different, so I'm only speaking for mine, but I don't feel like she was sad to see me go, or that happy to see me return. She knows I'm her Mom, but she hasn't developed real preference yet. Leaving her with a nanny will be much harder when she's older and vocal and yells, "DON'T GO MOMMY!" Right now though, she just seems content with whoever is with her.

4. It feels good to be able to wear makeup and heels again. I guess I could have done these things on my leave, but I never saw the point, and let me tell you, most days, I was fortunate enough to find time to shower. I like that I look good. It makes me feel good. (And looking good is relative. I look good compared to my days at home. . . ) :)

5. Being a Mom is the hardest thing I will ever do. EVER. I remember a few years ago seeing a poster that said having children is like having your heart outside your body. I now know what that means. Being a Mom is the hardest thing I will ever love.

Does It Ever Get Easier

Today is day 1 back at work. And unfortunately, I had a rough night. I woke up at about 1:30am with a terrible migraine headache. I don't get migraines very often. . . I actually never get them, but one decided to pay me a visit last night. Anyone who has ever had a migraine knows that there is absolutely no sleeping through one. The pain is intense. It's awful. I laid awake in bed and listened to Scarlett sleep. Then at 4am she woke up and her wonderful Baba fed her as I was not able. Then before I knew it, it was time to get in the shower and get ready for the work day. And well. . . here I am.

The goodbye was sad. . . for me of course. I take comfort in the fact that Scarlett has no idea what's going on. Scarlett gave me her big, beautiful smiles, and talked to me. (She is "talking" so much these days) I held her and cried, and then I left, thinking, this is just really not fair.

T waited at home until the nanny got there, and when he handed Scarlett to the nanny, she cried a bit. Breaks my heart. I don't know if I could be a stay at home Mom, but I do know that I wasn't ready yet to leave Scarlett. I've loved every moment with her.

Scarlett Letters

Dear Scarlett,

Today probably seems like just another day to you. You'll get to spend the day with Mama, eating "yum yums," going for a walk, swinging, and watching Mama clean, but for me, I woke up sad. I have two days left of maternity leave. 2 days. And then I'm back to work.

I have such mixed emotions about it. I take so much comfort in the fact that you are going to be well taken care of. Your Baba and I did our due diligence in finding care for you, and I know you are going to love your care. But I'm going to miss you, and I struggle with the fact that the best place for you is with me. But, I must work for the money.

I'm convinced that being a Mom is just one big guilt trip.

It's also September. This is going to be a monumental month in all of our lives. In 22 short days, I will be going to the other side of the world to pick up your brother. When I leave, it will be the last time you will be my only child living in our home. When I come back with Khalil, all of our lievs will be forever changed.

A part of me just wishes I could leave tomorrow. I don't want to spend the next 22 days feeling guilty about leaving you. What kind of Mother leaves her child for 9 days when she is only 2 months old? I struggle with that DAILY. But in my short time as a Mama, I've learned that being a parent is about making difficult choices, and the choices are always about what is best for the children. I wouldn't leave you if I didn't trust that you'd have the best care in the world while I was gone. And I wouldn't leave if I didn't think that Khalil needed his Mama more than ever. He needs me. You need me. And you are both two of the most important people in my life, and I will always think of you two in every decicision I make. That I promise you. While I'm gone, you will have Baba, Nana and Gidu, and Aunty taking care of you. But your brother. . . He has no one right now, and he deserves all the comfort and love in the world. And your Grandma and I are going to give him that. Soon. Very soon.

I know you will be confused when I'm gone, but I promise you in the grand scheme of things, I will only be gone for a blink of an eye. And when I return, I will bring your older brother. I have no doubt at all that you two will love each other for the rest of your lives, and that you'll never remember life without him. I have no doubt that he will enrich your life greatly, just as you will enrich his.

And I promise you that when I return, I will still be your Mama. . . forever and ever. That will never change.

I love you Lil Miss Scarlett. And although life will sometimes take me away from you, I am always here for you. Always and forever.