I'm a fairly patient person. In fact, I rarely lose my cool with people, especially my kids. And although I'm pretty normal and sometimes wish my patience was in more abundance, it's for the most part, pretty good.
Fast forward to yesterday morning. The kids and I were playing in our lower level and watching Sesame Street. (Or I should say Sesame Street was on in the background) We were having a fun morning, and easing into our day. It was time to go upstairs, and Nur started crawling up, and TT was playing around with the TV. She wasn't listening to me, so I grabbed her by the wrist to redirect her, and in hindsight, I probably did pull her a bit. I wasn't losing my patience with her or anything, I was just trying to bring her upstairs with me.
We get upstairs, and she starts whining a bit and holding her wrist. Oh my gosh! I completely freaked out at the thought that I had just physically harmed my child. Did I grab her too roughly? Did her wrist accidently get twisted? TT then calmed down but she was holding her left arm in a weird way, and only putting a puzzle together with her right arm. T came into the room and asked if I was okay because I looked sick to my stomach. And I was! TT appeared hurt, and I would NEVER EVER EVER harm my children. I started sobbing and said that I think I hurt TT's wrist. I felt ill over the fact that something I did would hurt my children. I thought I was going to throw up, and to make matters worse, TT held her wrist and said, "Owie."
T bent her wrist around delicately and it seemed to be fine. And about 30 minutes later, TT jumped off my lap, started playing and using her arm like she always did and acted like nothing had ever happened.
I thanked God over and over again, but spent the entire day beating myself up, and am still beating myself off. I have never lost my patience with TT. Ever. And I didn't this day either. I seriously just held on to her to bring her upstairs with me. I would never intentionally harm them. . . even on my worst parenting day.
I feel this strong responsiblity to protect my children and the fact that I did something that physically hurt TT kills me. I know it was an accident. T told me that, and my Mom when I called her crying later. But I still feel sick about it. . . even though she is 100% fine.
I have to admit that I had an emotionally irrational day yesterday. Even though TT was fine, I still felt sick about it. And then I thought about all of the kids who are abused in this world, and then I got even more sad. There are helpless children out there who are being hurt and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that even though I wasn't trying to hurt TT, that she felt pain from one of my actions.
Sad, hard, parenting day.
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3 comments:
She may have dislocated her elbow. This happened to my son (several times). It is fairly common in children. The first time it happened, my husband was telling my son to come and eat lunch, or go take a nap (her was over tired and whiny). He grabbed his arm, and my son lurched the opposite way. The elbow became dislocated. It is painful to lift you hand over your head. It is quite easy to get it back into place. Sometimes, it does it on it's own, and others, you have to manipulate it. After two separate trips for my son (once to urgent care, and once to the pediatrician), my awesome ped told me how to reduce it and put it back into place. This information has been quite useful, as I would guess that he has dislocated it about half a dozen times at least. Clearly, you are a fantastic mom. We all lose our patience. Don't be too hard on yourself! If she DID dislocate her elbow, watch it carefully as she may be more prone to happen again (I never lift my son by his arms - something I did in fun with my daughters all of the the time).
I have those irrational, emotional days too. You're a GREAT mama!
I completely understand! Last year, my son fractured his leg going down a slide ON MY LAP! It was just a freak accident, but I felt awful!! I'm glad S was fine, and that nothing was wrong with her wrist or arm. Don't beat yourself up. You are a great parent. Heather
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