When Taher and I started to ponder the idea of adopting a child, there were a few fears I had, and continue to have. These are separate fears from the daily worries of, will I fill out all the paperwork correctly? Will we be able to afford this adoption? Will we eventually get placed with a child? Although those are daily fears, I also have many fears completely unrelated to the adoption process.
This summer, my Mom and I were driving home from our cabin. . . Just the two of us. I had already discussed with she and my my Dad the possibility of us adopting, but Taher and I hadn't filled out an application yet, nor had we made up our minds 100% that we were going to adopt. I felt extreme emotion about adopting, afterall, adoption is no small decision. The choice to bring a child into your life, whether through childbirth, or adoption, is always a HUGE decision, and one that must be explored fully.
A while into the conversation with my Mom, I just started sobbing. I then asked her, "Will you love this child the same as you will love your other biological grandchildren?" I didn't ask the question to insult my Mom and her ability to love, but instead, it was a legitimate concern of mine.
I remember her response very clearly. She spoke with the certainty and clarity that only Mothers can.
"Leah, are you really worried about how your Father and I will love this child? Because you don't need to worry about that. Are you instead worried if you and Taher will be able to love this child the same?"
Through the tears and emotion I was feeling, I thought long and hard about what my Mom just asked. Taher and I have also talked about this, and we are both 100% sure that we will love this child as our own. This will be our child, and we are fully convinced that no other child will ever be loved as much.
I do still worry however. My sister is currently pregnant, and is expecting a baby girl in about 6 weeks. And on Taher's side of the family, we have two nieces. Although none of us know what my sister's baby will look like, my nieces look so much like family. They are a perfect combination of their Mother and Father. They even have a little of their Nana and Gidu (Arabic for Grandfather) in them. It was easy and instant for everyone to love them. For 9 months, we all watched M's belly swell. We all were very used to the idea that she had a living being inside of her. It is the same way for my sister S. We watch her belly grow. We feel her little girl kick. We prepare.
Taher and I's experience will be so different. We are nearing 4 months of our adoption paperwork. This is about the point that many women start showing a bit. My body remains unchanged. I won't go to a hospital to give birth to my child. Instead, Taher and I will travel thousands of miles away, to a country we have never been, to meet our child. Our families will see us leave MN as two people who are not parents. We will then arrive back to MN as parents, with a child in our arms. This child will not look anything like us. This child will not look like his nieces. This child will not look like anyone in my hometown, will not resemble his grandparents at all. This child will not be a newborn who sleeps the majority of the day. This child will not resemble my aunts and uncles or cousins.
Instead, this child will already be a few months old. He will already have a personality. He will look completely exotic to everyone.
Adoption IS different than a biological child experience, and I realize that. I just hope and pray that everyone in our lives will love this child as if I was giving birth to him. Deep in my heart, I know they will. Taher and I have wonderful families who love and support us. But I still have these fears.
Even though I haven't met this child, and even though there is a possiblity that this child hasn't even been conceived yet, I already feel protective over him. I want him to be surrounded by the love that I was surrounded by growing up. I want him to be a member of our family. I don't want him to be Leah and Taher's adopted son.
I simply want him to be Leah and Taher's son.
18 comments:
It's complety normal to be scared and worried about all the things you mentioned. My little sweetie is nothing like her blond haired, blue eyed cousins - but they still run around and laugh and play whenever we all get together.
Every day I am amazed at how beautiful and amazing my daughter is. I don't think my DNA could have made anyone 1/2 as perfect as she is.
I knew from the first minute that I saw her picture that I loved this child. But waiting to be able to hold her for the first time was so painful. It's tough and no one around you will understand that hurt - but it will eventually come to an end. And then you never have to let your little one go! I think I carried my daughter around constantly for months. I just couldn't let her go.
When you are at this point in your adoption it is so hard to hear that eventually all of this won't matter - but it really, really won't!!!! Once you have your son or daughter at home with you all of the pain and heartache will seem like a distant memory.
(((HUGS)))
i feel those same fears at times. i think for me, and it sounds like for you, i already love this child as if he really were growing inside me! and we haven't even met them yet!!! a mother's love is amazing! and think about how awesomely interracial our families will be! who knows what race our children will marry? who knows what our grandkids will look like? if matt and i weren't adopting, chances are we'd have an only white family for a long time... how boring that would be!!!
Your child will be Leah and Taher's Child. Know why? Because you are invested in this experience with every fiber of your full heart, and both consciously and unconsciously you will do and say and model things that create and nurture this zone of comfort and love and inclusivity for your child. I am so genuinely thrilled for you guys, and I really look forward to watching you build your family...and look back and realize that this was just a part of the process and was no big deal afterall. ;)
I totally understand your fear. My in laws (well, some of them) have blatantly said that our adoptive children will not be welcome. Yes, they actually said that. Perhaps they will change their minds when faced with the situation, but we are prepared to write them out of our lives if need be, which is sad.
I know I will love my children, no matter how they come to me. Josh is not as open as I and also has that fear. But I believe it will all work out.
I truly believe the moment you set eyes on that child, your fears will melt away. You already know the love you are capable of. And where did that kind of ability to love come from? Your roots. He will be your child in everyone's eyes - of that I am positive.
I think those feelings are very founded. I've wondered the same thing myself. I have an old friend who is going through adoption right now and I always wonder if she can love that child as much as I love mine. I have been told by many adoptive parents that yes, you do and will. They become a part of you. I guess the only way I can relate is to say that I adopted my dogs, but they are very much a part of my family and I love them both very dearly. There isn't anything I would do for them, and they are just dogs. They aren't human beings or human babies. So yes, Leah, I think you, Taher, and everyone in your families will love this child just as much as if he had been conceived by you.
Thank you for this post. It helped me realize that yes, my old friend CAN and WILL lover her adopted son just as much as I love my biological daughter.
*hugs*
To me....your child is who God gives you, whether that child is conceived or adopted. Many people give "birth" to children and just because they were fortunate enough to give birth doesn't make them good parents. Parenting goes a lot further than conceiving and giving birth. Anyone can pretty much give birth, but not everyone has the ability to parent. You will have to realize that this child you are about to receive will be the luckiest child. He will have so much love and a stable home. He won't care that he doesn't look like his cousins....he will be happy that he has his cousins to call his own! :)
I think that you and your family will love this child with all your heart and soul!
It sounds like your son is coming home to the perfect parents, the perfect family, who will all love and embrace him forever!
I have many of the same fears and concerns...we actually have a couple people in our family who are not 100% supportive of our decision to adopt outside our race, but we have been dealing with those issues as much as we can (we just can't change a person's views...they are what they are, unfortunately).
I'm so glad for you that everyone in your family is so supportive - have strength in knowing that!
Great post...thank you for opening up about your fears. I have had the same ones in the back of my mind about the possibility of adoption. It was also so neat to read some of the comments from people who are already parenting their adopted children...it really is a miracle, and I can't wait to see you living that out soon!
Hi Leah, thanks for checking out my blog, and for sharing your adoption journey. My husband and I are foster parents, and will soon (probably) be going through an adoption process as well. It'll be a little different, since we've been fostering this baby since birth, but all the same, I have some of the same questions as you do. It's nice to "meet" you! :)
Oh Sweetie, your baby will BE your baby no matter what (minus the stretch marks!). Everyone will love him/her as much as if you had actually given birth....maybe even MORE considering the journey you had to take to get him here! 9 months of bloating/heartburn/acne/cramps/hormones/swollen feet.....in a cake walk compared to what you are facing. I will add "give Leah Peace" to my nightly prayers!
Much ♥, Lilly
I got your note on my blog--thanks for reading about our journey. I look forward to reading about your journey! You are right--adoption is not for the faint of heart!
Although I'm not in your situation, your fears make perfect sense to me and I'm sure they are shared by every adoptive parent waiting for their child. And like somebody else already said - I bet those fears melt away the instant you see your child and hold them in your arms.
What I think is more important than other people seeing your son as YOUR son, is that your son will only know you as mom and dad. That's all that matters.
Thanks for commenting on my blog:) I just loved this post. I was thinking about posting something about this topic, but I now have family members viewing, so I am a little nervous. We are matched with emom due in January....and I do have moments of doubt and worry. I worry about the her being viewed as the "adopted" granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc. I feel guilty about writing this, but I still sometimes wonder if I will love this child the same as I would if she came from my body. I think those thoughts are natural though. I think that people who choose to adopt have a lot of love to give and are determined to be parents...who else would jump through all of these hoops to do what we're doing? haha
Glad I found your blog...I'll be following.
It's hard. Especially where you are adopting from your child will look nothing like you at all as you mentioned and that just makes it harder. But it's easy too. The looks of support and understanding are frequent for us. But that's the world. Our family is different. I understand where your fears come from. I asked my mom that same question. My sister has a step daughter who looks like her dad. And other then her the 5 other grandkids look just like my side of the family. My brother's middle child is my very own mini me. Everyone says it all the time. The youngest will likely look like me as well. Not until after our adoption did I realize how hard this would be on my mom. But I wouldn't have not done it had I known before hand. I might have tried to prepare my mom differently though.
My husbands family are the ones we were concerned about adopting a child of another race. We were worried they wouldn't accept that child like they do the biological grandkids that look just like their parents. But they are 100% in love with this girl and you would never know she was adopted when they are together, except for the obvious. She's just one of us.
It's okay to have these fears. I think they help us prepare for the possibility. The important thing is to not focus on them.
I cant tell you how many times I've asked my mom whether or not she loves me as much as she loves my brother (who is biologically hers). The answer has always been the same (although when I was younger she would add things to it, LOL). A resounding yes. I remember her telling me that he was the baby of her belly and I was the baby of her heart. Or that she "chose" me and how could she not love me so much.
As I've gotten older, it still crushes me to hear people say that "you never love an adopted child the way you love a biological one." On days when it is too much to handle, I call Mom and ask her again, if this is true. And even now, she softly chuckles and tells me that she could never love anyone more (except my brother of course!)
I'll share a grandchild story too. Recently, I was looking at Maya's hands and, tiny though they are, they reminded me of my mom's hands. Just the shape of them, the way the knuckles are placed... Things that, genetically, couldnt have been passed down to her. But they are my mom's hands. I emailed her and I told her that, I knew it was genetically impossible, but looking at Maya's hands, I saw her hands. And do you know what she said? "I think it is very possible."
And she's right. DNA does not a daughter (or granddaughter!) make. It's love. Love, love, love. The rest of it... Those are just the details.
Love your transparency...thanks for sharing! Where do you live in MN...we are in Lakeville...are we close? I rarely see AGCI families in MN!!!
Jenny
(waiting for Abby in India)
I'm so glad to have read this post- made me a bit weepy over here in the snowy mountains of Colorado.
I remember feeling this. I remember it clearly.
You child will be your greatest treasure- I can assure you of this. And you won't be able to imagine it any other way once he/she is in your arms. It's truly incredible how this happens- I look forward to watching it happen with you!
Oh- and nice to meet you! ;-)
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