When Taher and I first began the adoption process, one of our first "assignments" was to read information from our agency on adoption. As with any task I am given, I dove in immediately. I got so much out of all of the articles I read, but one in particular. It was an article talking about how adoption always involves loss. The loss can be of a dream if the adoptive parents cannot conceive, it is a loss of a culture if a child is adopted from another country, and it is a loss of the life that could have been, and the birth parents that would have been. For the birthparents, it is a loss of a child.
I had never viewed adoption as a loss. I am ashamed to say that at the very beginning of this all I thought of was what Taher and I would gain. We would be fulfilling OUR dream of adoption. We would have a child of OUR very own. OUR lives would be better because of this.
My eyes are now a lot more open about what adoption really means. Each day, I'm anxious and excited to get us one step closer to our child. I'm plowing through paperwork, anxiously making appointments with the agency, and trying to finish all the steps necessary. But I'm also trying to reflect on all the people who will be affected by this adoption. Somewhere on the other side of the world, is a woman that is probably already pregnant. She is feeling this living being kicking in her belly. The circumstances of why she is going to give up her child for adoption are still unknown, but it is probably because she loves this child so much, and she knows that she can't provide this child with basic needs. This woman will experience the greatest and most heart-wrenching loss of her life.
And this child of hers? He will have a better life. He will be showered with love, he will have a roof over his head and food on the table. He will be given the right to an education and medical care. Yes, this child will be blessed, and above all, loved. But this child will also be taken thousands of miles away from where he was born. He will be taken away from his roots, his culture, and from where people look a lot like him. He will become a completely different person because of this adoption. He will experience profound loss. He will grow up knowing very little about his birthparents, what diseases or ailments run in his family. Yes, this child will know loss.
I'm happy my eyes are opened. I constantly pray for this woman in a far away land who I will always be connected to. I pray that whatever her situation is, that she has peace in her life. I also pray that she knows that her loss will never be forgotten by me.
I am very aware of the gift I am being given.
21 comments:
What a beautiful way to honor the birthmother already- praying for her, especially that she will feel peace!!!
I never thought of adoption in that manner. We tend to never think about the birthmother. I pray also that she has peace with her decision and know that she will never be forgotten for the wonderful gift she provided.
I am a hospital social worker, and I often help facilitate adoptions of newborns, and it's true that most folks who've never participated in an adoption have no idea about the inherent nature of loss associated with an adoption. Adoptions are these really beautiful and complex things... Though my adoption experience is purely professional, I have come away from my adoptions time and again with immense respect for the birth parents and adoptive parents. It's just amazing...
Just wanted to commend you on taking a holistic, big picture view of the adoption plan. :) Heartfelt and happy congrats to you and Taher! I've really enjoyed following your journey!
Everyday I am thankful of what our daughter's birthmother was willing to give up.
It's really wonderful that you are able to recongnize this as you start the adoption process.
Wow. I'd never looked at adoption from this point of view before. I think it's amazing that you are able to look at someone else's loss instead of just your gain. You and your future child will benefit from that.
Kelsie
As usual you did a wonderful job putting to words a lot of the same thoughts I have had through this process. Adoption is tragic and beautiful all at the same time. I don't think there are many other things quite like it.
And I am sitting her shaking my head in disbelief because today is my birthday so of course we are both virgos born just days apart. Long lost kindred spirits! :)
What a great post!! I think it is important to think about the birth mother and her feelings.
That is very interesting. I never viewed adoption as a loss other than the loss of the birthmother. I hope that the birthmother of your baby is able to find peace as well.
Our paperwork had nothing on loss and, as an adopted kid, I am glad that yours does. I think I will suggest that to CSS. That is an excellent thing to have.
Great post Leah.
I can only imagine the millions of emotions that go into adoption.
Lisa
It has certainly been a tough road so far. By far the most difficult one to date. But one thing we do will is rely on each other to help our dreams come true. It will be only a matter of time until this dream is realized. I can't wait to meet this new adorable person!
What a beautiful and human attitude to have!!! I am proud to know you....... go forward in knowing that although there is loss, you are giving a gift to this little being.... bless you both for that!!!!
thanks for sharing I also never thought of adoption as a loss but it totally makes sense
you said something in this post that my mom always used to say to as "adoption is an act of love from the birth mother". She is giving her baby the life she can't offer and that a huge demonstration of love. Great post Leah, as always I really enjoyed reading your blog.
I'll talk to u soon to plan the raffles! Juliana
This is a special post. I had never thought of adoption in that way. I know you will make sure your baby will always know of the sacrifice made by the birth parents.
That really is profound and beautiful. Thank you.
My best friend is at the beginning stages of adopting internationally. Most children in this country are orphans, and she has been struggling with the fact that the birth mom is probably pregnant with her son right now...but will die soon. She prays for her but she said it is really surreal.
I think that in international adoption the loss is often forgotten. At least having lived and learned both sides even though we never finished an international adoption that's how I feel.
That your agency is educating you on these things now is great.
One other loss that I didn't think of or learn of until just recently is our own parents. They too have the loss of the dream of a biological grandchild.
Leah, my very best friend is a man who was adopted at birth 64 years ago. He and his sister (also adopted, 62 years ago) never knew anything about their birth parents. Their parents were their MOM and DAD! Their only thoughts about their birth mothers are those of extreme gratitude for giving them a chance at having a great life. I can't imagine how hard it must be to hand over a baby at birth, but what a selfless thing their birth mothers did!
Their adoptive Mom passed away 2 weeks ago....she was 101 years and 6 month! Before she died, she offered to tell them about their birth mothers, but they wouldn't let her.
I will pray also for your baby's birth mother! She is a God send~
♥,Lilly
Read this blog, especially her most recent post (she wrote a week ago):
http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com/
Popped in from the crème de la crème list.
A beautiful and thought-provoking post.
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