This was the newest movie that our adoption agency recommended we rent. Everytime they recommend something, T and I rent it, and so far, we have not been disappointed.
Live and Become was a movie about an Ethiopian boy whose mother had him pretend to Jewish so that he could go to Israel, be adopted, and have a better life. This boy did have a good life, but it was also a life full of confusion and loss of heritage. His mother loved him dearly, but just didn't have the means to provide for him. His entire life, he thought of him birthmom, wrote her letters, and tried to find her.
This movie really got me thinking more deeply about something that I have been pondering for quite some time.
So many of the children that are adopted from Ethiopia are orphaned in the first place because their birthmom couldn't provide for them. So many of the birthmoms would parent if they could, but they simply do not have the financial means to do it. They then make the most heartwrenching decision of their lives by choosing adoption for these children. People like myself, who are by no means rich, but much better off than these Ethiopian birthmoms come into the country, adopt these children, and the children become a vivid memory of a child only in their hearts to the birthmoms of Ethiopia.
It's sad to me, and I find that my emotions are often times torn.
I am a selfish human being. I want to adopt Khalil so badly. I will adopt him. I will love him forever, and give him the best life that I am able to give him. I will teach him all about his culture, and I will always speak positively of the birthmom who choose adoption for his life.
But at times, I can't help but feel these children would be better off if, instead of adopting them and bringing them to a faraway land, that we as a country provided financial support to the country and to these birthmoms so they could parent. I think parenting is always the best option, and so often, I feel like we are more than ready to swoop on into a country and take the children, instead of getting to the root of the problem. . . poverty.
I also know the issue isn't as black and white as this. I know that children are orphaned for many different reasons, poverty being just one of the reasons. But I can't help but be sad that so many of these birthmoms in Ethiopia have no choice. I keep saying. . . these women choose an adoption plan, but in so many if the circumstances, there is no choice, except death of their child.
I am so happy to be adopting. It's something I've been passionate about for as long as I can remember. But I also can't help but think adoption should never be the first option. Adoption should only occur after other options have been exhausted. And sometimes, I don't feel like options are being exhausted.
T and I have been in the adoption process for 9 months now, and I have changed as a person so much during this process. Being in the adoption process has forced me to think about other people much more than I was ever forced to before. I am very pro adoption, and think that those out there that adopt are wonderful people. I know that it's not all of our faults that there is poverty in this world that forces people into these decisions. But it makes me feel so spoiled sometimes. I can't help but think about the other side of the adoption. The loss side. It is there. Present in my mind. All.the.time.
I read a blog lately about a woman traveling to Ethiopia. She met a birthmom who couldn't provide for her son. The birthom was torn up about it, but asked this western woman to adopt her son, and to give him a better life. The western woman agreed and brought this boy to the U.S. The birthmom was distraught. In this situation, couldn't something have been done for this birthmom so she could provide for her son? Am I being too idealistic here?
Just a look into my brain on this Monday morning.
7 comments:
I personally think that as long as people gain a profit from adoption that the first mom's are being overlooked. Why fix the problem if people can make money? I know that is harsh, but like you said it's not black and white issue. It's so much involved that there are not any easy answers.
They'll never be a distant memory to their birth moms. But I think I know what you meant.
I agree providing for the birth families to be able to keep their children is a great option. But the US can't do it for every impoverished country so they can't do it for just one. You have an open heart. I didn't begin to start thinking this way until after we adopted Isabel. I guess it all came crashing down on me then, the reality of it all. I admit I was selfish and ignorant in a few areas along the journey. But that's all changed.
It was a good movie, made you think about how complex this all is.
I am also a firm believer that adoption - particularly international adoption - needs to be a last-case scenario. Unfortunately, in a country like Ethiopia, there is such overwhelming poverty that it's not something we're going to be able to fix very soon. But hopefully all who adopt from Ethiopia are also supporting Ethiopia's residents in some way. I would like to find a family to sponsor or contribute to school-building or things like that, so that we know that while we brought an Ethiopian home with us, we are also helping to keep future Ethiopian families together. It's the least we can do. Great post!
Leah, I had not heard of that movie so thank you for passing that along. I also agree that adoption should always be the final option and I think that is why it is important to take such care in selecting an agency. I know I feel confident that our agency is doing what they can to see if the child can stay in Ethiopia with a relative. But if that is not possible then I have to believe that adoption is better than growing up in an institution. And I like what Kelly said about also sponsoring a child! Such a great idea!! Thank you for sharing your heart!
You aren't selfish Leah. You are providing a life for this child that he would not otherwise have had. Were you not taking him into your home, he would face poverty, hunger, and everything else that entails. His mother loves him so much, she wants a better life for him. That is what most birthmothers feel. Even the ones here in the US who aren't poverty stricken. It all comes down to everyone pulling together to provide for a child.
I agree with you that there should be a way to keep these children with their birthmothers. Isn't that what those "sponser a child" things are for?
The bottom line is everyone is doing what is best for the child. That doesn't make you or anyone else selfish. It makes you all selfless.
You aren't bringing your son into your home and leaving his roots behind. You intend to ensure he always remembers where he came from and who he is. Perhaps you could keep in touch with his birthmother?
I realize there is pain in this process, but it is important to look at all of the good that is coming from it. Sometimes we do what we do because it is the best option.
I've had the same feelings. I feel like I should be option #3. First is the birthmother, then adopted within their own culture then me. Then I have to stop and think that this is the child that God has given us. So we found our way to him. Everyone has a different path to take and everyone'story is different. But you are sooo right, adoption has made me into a better person and I'm so lucky to be able to adopt!
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