The Family Reaction to our Adoption

I've seen this post going through blog world, and I thought I would address how our family reacted, as it's been on my mind for quite some time, and I really want to put it out there. I've actually started this post several times, and never liked the tone it ended up taking, so I always ended up erasing it. So, if you are reading this, I finally mustered up the courage to post on this topic!

T and I had been discussing adoption between the two of us for quite some time, but last June 2009, when we decided that we were 100% going to adopt, we decided it was the right time to discuss with our families as well. We were thinking no one would be surprised by our decision to adopt. Afterall, both sets of our families knew about our struggles to conceive, and knew that we had even tried IVF, which also didn't work.

For the most part, our families were very supportive. I remember telling my Mom and Dad first, and they were elated, and not entirely surprised. They were excited to have another grandchild (my sister was pregnant at the time for their first grandchild) and if they did have any apprehension of our Ethiopian adoption, they didn't voice those concerns to us. My siblings were also very excited. My sister started talking about having a playmate for her daughter and the cousins growing up together, and how close in age they would be. My two brothers were excited, and one brother even told me that this is the way it was supposed to be. T and I were receiving a lot of support, and it felt great.

We then told T's family and the reaction was a bit different from his parents and I learned many lessons on religion and culture that I didn't know before. I was assuming we'd have a similar reaction from them. . . a reaction of happiness. They also knew of our struggles to get pregnant, and they knew how much T and I wanted to be parents. I think I've mentioned this before. . . T's parents are from Egypt, and they are Muslims. I had a fast teaching on the Qur'an and learned that adoption is frowned down upon in that religion. T's parents made that quickly known to us, and I would be lying if I said their reaction wasn't hurtful. I don't know what people in Muslim countries do if they cannot have biological children, because adoption usually is not an option.

After their reaction to our adoption, which was less than favorable, I took to studying the Qur'an myself, and found the following verse:

"...Nor has He made your adopted sons your (biological) sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah tells (you) the Truth, and He shows the (right) Way. Call them by (the names of) their fathers; that is juster in the sight of Allah. But if you know not their father's (names, call them) your brothers in faith, or your trustees. But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein. (What counts is) the intention of your hearts. And Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful."

This was the verse they were basing their opinion of adoption off of. But to me. . . I read this verse differently than they were reading it. (How typical that a religious verse have many interpretations. This happens in the Bible and other religious books as well) To me, Allah cares what's in your heart. And I know that my heart has the best intentions. I also know that many orphans in Ethiopia don't have a known father. I also know that the Prophet Muhammed himself said that those who will care for an orphaned child, a life in paradise will be waiting them. Muhammed himself even adopted.

I sat down with T's parents and spoke about my research on the Qur'an. They still have a ways to go in terms of coming around fully to the adoption, and I try not to hold resentment when they just do not know any better, nor do they know anyone who has ever adopted. This is new to them, and I need to remind myself of that. T and I are progressive young people in their eyes. T and I embrace the unconventional. Something I do know is that his parents love us and will love our children. And I want to add that T's sibling and family have been so supportive. Our little nieces (his bro's children) talk to us a lot about this boy cousin they are going to have soon. Melts my heart. :)

And it's not just Islam that frowns on adoption. Some other religions do as well. There are Indian religions, predominantly Hindu that believe that adoption ruins the family line, and that children shouldn't be removed from their families and culture and placed in another family and culture.

I have been hesitant to share this story, because there is enough bias and bigotry with different religions already. I don't want someone to read this story and think negatively about any religion. I believe people's beliefs, whatever they may be, deserve respect. I also believe that too many times in religion, the "rules" end up being man-made, and not true to the text of the religious book. And this was definitely true with Islam and the Qur'an. Once I read the Qur'an, I felt like the passages on adoption were being misinterpreted.

And I'm not going to lie. . . It has taken me a while to get rid of the hurt I feel. It was very difficult hearing negative opinions on adoption when it is so close to my heart, and when it is the way to create a family for so many people. I don't believe having difficulty conceiving means that a couple should live childless. To me, adoption is hope.

These were some of the reactions we received. I didn't mention the many more that we received, and 99% of the reactions were joyful elation. It's taken me a lot of thought and prayer to realize that not everyone is up to speed on adoption. T and I have been living and breathing adoption, but others in our life have a learning curve.

All I care about is that when our Ethiopian boy joins our family, that he is treated as nothing less than a member of the family. Because he will be our son. And we will love him as fully as we know how to love. I hope that when Khalil comes home, that the negative reactions and the hurt they cause me, will quickly disappear, and that I'll see these same people love our son.