Total Breakdown

I knew I was going to have one eventually. There is so much going on in our lives right now, and things feel off balanced, and time is moving so quickly. Yes, it was just a matter of time.

The other day, T and I watched our niece for a couple of hours while her mama had an appointment somewhere. We've watched our niece several times, but always in her home and not ours. But this time, it was in our home. My sister hung out a bit before she had to run to her appointment, and our niece was doing perfectly. Smiling, happy baby. About 10 minutes after my sister left, our niece started crying. Let me rephrase that. . . screaming. I've always had a gift of consoling babies, but nothing would console her. It was a beautiful day outside, so T and I put her in a stroller and took her for a walk. It calmed her for a bit, but then the screaming resumed. I tried feeding her, I changed her diaper, I rocked her, I walked her, I sang to her. Nothing. T and I would pass her back and forth and both try our magic. Nothing. T finally put her in her carseat with a pacifier. When the pacifier would fall out of her mouth and our niece would scream, T was right there to put it back in. He had to stand over her for about 20 minutes, plugging the pacifier. She finally dozed off and slept for 20 minutes before the screaming resumed. My sister got back after 2 hours, and as soon as she held her baby, the crying stopped, and our niece was once again a happy baby.

After they left, I felt sad and defeated. I'm not sure why. I know our niece was just scared of these new surroundings, and that it wasn't personal. But T and I were both emotionally exhausted. I am the type of person who feels the energy of those around me, so when people aren't happy around me, I'm not happy. I couldn't stop crying, but I didn't really know why.

I think it's fear. How the heck are T and I going to do this? I was EXHAUSTED. . . after 2 hours. How will we parent two babies? I don't feel sufficient. I don't feel qualified. I don't think I have enough energy. I'm all of a sudden completely overwhelmed and scared about what our lives are becoming. So far, I've only been focusing on the excitement of it. But now, I realize that although it will be exciting, it will also be HARD. So HARD.

I ended up going to bed at 8pm crying. I had to shut my mind off and block out reality for a while. Are we really up for this? Can we really do this?