"Do I look pregnant?" That is a question I ask too often to T. He is always so sweet, and doesn't point out my complete neurosis. Instead, he always replies, "Yes, you definitely look pregnant."
It's really difficult to explain how I feel. I must look pregnant because people comment on my belly constantly. Logically, I KNOW I'm pregnant. But a part of me looks in the mirror, and all I see is me looking back, a little heavier than usual, but not pregnant. I wonder if this is what it's like to have an eating disorder, and be stick thin, yet look in the mirror and see a fat person staring back?
I am enjoying my pregnancy, but I wish I wasn't so driven by worry and fear. I wish I could relax and just enjoy that this is my reality. But instead, I look in the mirror and squint my eyes, and try to see a pregnant woman staring back. I poke my belly, hoping that something will poke me back on the other side. I turn to the side and try to see a baby belly, instead of a beer belly. I nervously prepare a baby's room, and hope and pray that eventually I'll have a baby to put in the crib and in the clothes. I try to enjoy other people's conversations about my pregnancy, but really, most of the time, I don't want to discuss it, for fear that speaking outloud about it will in some way jinx it.
I started reading a book by the Dahli Lama this past week, and have really tried to up my meditation. It is providing me with a calmness that I desperately need right now.
I can't wait for this all to feel real to me, but I know that may not happen until I see this baby that is supposedly in this belly of mine. I haven't always been this crazy. . . I swear. I guess I'm more affected by infertility than I thought I was.
17 comments:
I have been reading your blog for a long time now and decided I wanted to comment! I am actually 1 day behind you...and can appreciate all the nervousness and stress you are talking about. I am so nervous to set up a crib, nursery etc but then I feel guilty because of the amazing gift God has growing inside of me. I have to believe that this will get easier though... And yes, you most definately do look pregnant!!!
you look pregnant! (you look good pg too, i might add!) you ARE pregnant!!! i'm sure it's surreal... when the labor pains come, you'll know ;-)
You look so cute and beautiful and yes you definitely look pregnant!! It won't be long now!! Try to enjoy it!
I definitely can understand those thoughts and feelings. You are 3rd trimester now, girl. You are official. For me, having very difficult pregnancies, it is very hard to feel like it is anything bedsides sickness, pain, rapid rapid weight gain until I am in the hospital holding a little one.
It can be hard to connect to it fully when we fear this baby might not get here.
You're getting closer...
I think you look very nice (and pregnant) right now!! I'm sure it does take a while to shift paradigms, though. Hang in there! If the book you just started is the same one my aunt loves, you will really get alot out of it!!!
You do look pregnant and trust me when I tell you, try to enjoy it because once the pregnancy is over and your little girl starts to get a little older, you will think back and try to remember what it was like to be pregnant. You tend to forget because you are so caught up with your little one(s). Enjoy it, the time is so short!! :)
You look adorably pregnant! Love it!
I felt the same way up until I actually gave birth. Well, maybe the 2 weeks before when I swelled like a whale and declared "I AM DONE" with pregnancy!
Try your best to enjoy it, because you'll miss it when it's over. Yes, it's crazy but I actually kind of miss it. But when I do, I just rush over to smother him in kisses and it makes me feel better!
Can't wait until your babies are home!
YOu DO look pregnant and although I never made it as far as you, I had the fear, its all the stupid fertility stuff it even takes away the enjoyment and replaces it by fear and disbelief. Enjoy it how you can because thats all you can do, and take pictures so you can look back and relieve it a bit after you have your little girl.
I want Leah and anonymous to enjoy everyday of their pregnancy. While I am not advocating sky diving while pregnant, I think you should try and revel in the moment.
Wow, the worry and the surreal-ness of it all never goes away, huh? Crazy what IF does to us.
You are pregnant, girl, and you look fantastic!
I did the same thing - I think I probably drove my hubby crazy with it - but he was sweet like your husband. The other thing I always did was, when I saw another pregnant person, I would ask him whether I was bigger or smaller. Oh the fun! I think you look beyond beautiful. Enjoy every second...I already miss being pregnant.
Either you're pregnant or you've swallowed a little watermelon. You look wonderful. And I think most mothers always have some fear that the little one they are loving and cherishing might not be real. I hope you find a way to enjoy the moment and trust in God that all is well.
Deanna
That is definatly not a "fat" belly .. lol No mistaken that is a real baby, A viable baby at that!!! This is the time for you to stop worrying about loss and start worrying about gain!! soon you will hold this perfect human being in your arms and tear up with this emotion you have never quite felt before. your next worry should be, sleep.. where and when is my next nap! hehehe.. That is my only worry now that my twins are home and in my arms 95% of the time :) I'm learning that a person can truly live with 3 hours of sleep every other day hahaha. Motherhood is beautiful and you are entering it just weeks away darlin!
You definitely look pregnant...but in a cute way, don't worry! I love that picture, you look GREAT!
I don't think you sound crazy at all, more like that pinch me, is it really real feeling that you get after IF. I think you look amazing and am so very excited for you and glad to read that you have an answer about the visits to Ethiopia. Praying for some peace and calm in your heart!!
I was the same way! Just couldn't believe it all, and it was still so sureal when they put my babies in my arms. It really didn't hit me until they were rolling us out of the hospital to go home!
You look absolutley great by the way and good luck on your yard sale!
Um. Yes. You look pregnant. Beautifully pregnant. Nobody is mistaking that baby belly for a beer belly!
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