When people have a biological child, there are risks. The perfect amount of chromosomes need to come together from the man and the woman. The embryo needs to attach in the uterus. A sac needs to form. A heart needs to start beating. There are so many genetic issues that can happen. A baby can be born with so many problems and disabilities. And if the baby is born perfectly healthy, the baby can develop problems and disabilities as he or she ages.
Having children is a leap of faith.
Adoption is no different. Every aspect of adoption is a risk. We all choose the country we want to adopt from, we lay out our criteria, and we hope that we are matched with a child that best meets that criteria. Sometimes we end up with the perfectly healthy child we always dreams of. And sometimes the child ends up with health issues, both physical and mental.
Having children is a leap of faith.
I am so sad by the stories I have heard about adoptions lately. First there was the woman who sent her son on an airplane alone back to Russia, and today on CNN, I saw the story about a family who is suing their adoption agency after a Russian adoption because the child has so many issues. They adopted this little boy when he was less than 2 years old, and appeared perfectly healthy, but developed serious behavioral issues as an 8 year old. At least they aren't ready to give him up. At least there is that.
It just makes me so sad and so angry. When making the decision to adopt, there is a lot of research that must be done. When choosing to adopt from Russia, it's important to know that there is a very good chance that your child will have fetal alcohol syndrome. When adopting from Ethiopia, it is very common that your child will have lice and scabies upon arrival in Ethiopia. Every country poses different risks.
But when is enough enough?
When we decide to parent, we must be making the decision to parent the children chosen for us, either through birth or adoption. But I feel like parents of adoptees have a much easier time just relinquishing their parental rights of adoptees, when they would never do that for biological children. What if this woman's biological child was acting violently? Would she have put the biological child on an airplane to some far away land? I highly doubt it. There shouldn't be this discrepancy in biological children and adopted children. My children will be MY children. Yet too many people are just willing to get "rid" of their adoptive children. It makes me so mad.
I think the majority of us dream of having that perfect and healthy family, which includes healthy children. Many people are blessed with that, and many other families are given obstacles. Everything happens for a reason. And like every situation in life, we must find the good in it. Figure out why our lives have happened this way, and try to figure out what we can learn from the circumstances we have been given. Everything we are dealt in life is a greater lesson. We need to quit deserting the most needy of children. The children WE decided to adopt in the first place. Yes, maybe it isn't the family always envisioned, but it is the family that was given, so make the most of it.
I would never desert my children. I hope and pray both Khalil and baby girl will be healthy. But in deciding to grow my family, I am fully aware of all that can go wrong. But my children are my children. . . regardless of how they entered my family.
14 comments:
Great words Leah! I'm with you and cannot fathom sending a child back after an adoption. There are days when it gets tough, no matter if the child is biological or adoptive. Bottom line is that is YOUR child. We haven't even received our referral yet, so I cannot pretend to know the ins and outs of the bonding process, but we are already so incredibly in love with this child we have never even seen. I couldn't imagine not giving him everything our family could just like we would any other child!
Something I tell people when they give us funny looks for planning to adopt "special needs" children is that we ALL have challenges. Some are just more visible than others. Just because you cant see my difficulties or because I hide my "special needs" well, doesnt mean I dont have them. Just because the children we may adopt wear their needs on their sleeves doesnt make them less worthy of love.
Sadly, I think adoption (and honestly, reproductive technologies) are businesses and are becoming such to would-be parents too. Your X bad? Select your donor here. Dont want to carry a baby? Get a surrogate. (now, that being said, I know that most people do not get surrogates just because they want to avoid stretchmarks. Just making a point here.) Want to adopt? Please select X, Y, and Z so that we can find the perfect child. When we taught pre-cana and discussed adoption, this was actually something one of the soon-to-be grooms threw at us.
There are plenty of people in the adoptive and infertile worlds who have good intentions and arent trying to "buy a baby" so to speak, but want to parent a child. Where it is about the baby and not about them. But reading stories like these draws attention to the fact that not all are so full of parenting and, in some cases, want a sunshine baby, where everything is rainbows and happiness and where they want to throw in the towel when things arent perfect.
Makes my stomach recoil!
I try to reserve judgement for those parents who decided to revoke their adoptions after the fact...but it is a hard task, for sure. I try to tell myself that I don't know what I'd do out of overwhelming desperation, but I have a very difficult time imagining myself relinquishing my child--adopted or biological.
When I worked at the department of social services we would have biological parents who would come in and request that their children be placed into foster care; they had given up, they couldn't control their children, and they no longer wanted the responsibility of caring for them. In those situations, it was so difficult to speak with these parents. In these situations, the children's behaviors were the products of their environment. The child wasn't the problem, per se, but rather the child was the symptom bearer of the dysfunction of that household.
I know that this is different with adoption because you don't necessarily have influence over prenatal care or even the postnatal environment. But, like you said, having a child--however this child comes into your family--is a committment.
I think most of us in the ALI community recognize this level of enormous committment so clearly and we embrace it.
There has been some media attention on good stories about adoption, too, lately. People[dot]com has some pictures up on adoptive families today. Sure, it's just celebrity crap, but it was really nice to see something positive about adoptions!
Trinity - It looks like both of us have been on people.com today. :)
I saw those adoption pictures and honestly, it completely warmed my heart. I SO needed to hear happy stories. I needed to hear people say that adoption was the best thing that ever happened to them. I'm so happy people did that. It made me feel so much better. :)
Well said. My son is a waiting child. I first I was scared and nervous. Now, I'm at peace. It is a risk, but it's a risk that I'm happy to have. If we end up having problems we will deal with it. We were given this child and I'll never forget what a gift he is to us.
Well said, Leah. I don't understand one tiny bit how people could consider giving up ANY child due to health/behavioral concerns. Obviously, I haven't walked in their shoes, but it's just not an option in my mind. And it never will be.
My husband told me about the couple who sent their adoptive son back to Russia. That was just crazy. I bet they are getting a ton of flack for that.
I never really thought about the ability to send a child back. I always thought about how people adopting pets and then taking them to the pound was wrong. When they took on that pet, they took on a certain amount of responsibility. In a lot of cases, if that pet isn't what they wanted it to be, it is their own fault. There are exceptions, of course. But it always made me angry when people didn't really try. But those are pets, not children.
Can you imagine the emotional damage sending that kid back will do to him? Pets don't hold grudges. People do. I shudder to think how he will turn out as an adult now.
It is a very sad story.
Chelle - I love that you bring up pets. Because I even think that is wrong, let alone children. I HATE when people bring back pets. It makes me so mad. Thanks for bringing that to light as well.
Hey, what a fun blog you have! What an amazing time in your life- to be a double expectant mother. As someone who has done both too, I can say that the waiting is much the same and much different all in one- both require faith both require patience and both result in an amazing amount of love.
Leah
Amen Sister! You are right that having children is a risk, whether adopted or biological!!
I agree 100% Leah, every child brings risks, as does every marriage, every friendship, everything we endeavor in life, but the FACT is, you make this decision. Someone didn't call these people and say "hey, you're taking this baby!", they sought out adoption. I think that as an adoptive parent it is MY responsibility to seek out all the information I can, so that I can be the best parent to MY child as I can. If she has emotional issues, who would be surprised, she's being removed from the person who carried her for 9 months, no matter how much I wish that weren't so, I need to know that her little heart may be broken and hurt for years to come. And no, you wouldn't 'send back' your biological child (though some people send them off to military school or boarding school), you take responsibility for them, you get them help, you love them because they are a gift, whether biological or adopted, they are still gifts, to be treasured, nurtured, and valued above all else. I think our culture is too consumed with self and thinks if something isn't easy, you just don't have to do it! I just wish there was coverage of positive adoption stories to the magnitude that there are negative ones! Thanks for such a great post. You're going to be an amazing mommy!
And on the pet issue, I have a tiny bit to say too! You shouldn't just give them away when they aren't perfect, and I know of so many people who give up their pets when they have children, like 'thanks for being here and loving me unconditionally, but I have something better now!' it infuriates me when people do that! My pets are family to me (you know if you've read my blog) and I wouldn't give them up, I can't wait to see how they interact with my children and integrate them all together!!
Great post Leah!
Every single aspect of life has it's own risks and rewards. I know that being Khalil's mom will be a reward worth any amount of risk!!
So true Leah. I cannot imagine sending Emma back. From day one I prayed that I would love her just like I love my bio kids. I can honestly say I don't know any difference at all. They are all MINE and I will take the good with the bad. (Now I'm willing to donate my teenage boys to anyone who might be interested:)..Just kidding:)
Emma is as much our daughter as if I gave birth to her and I will try to hold my judgement of others, but I don't get it. It's called parenting. There are aspects that I don't necessarily enjoy or even understand, but it's my responsibility to parent these guys whether they are from across the world or homegrown. They are mine and you won't get them back. Well, about those teenagers.....
Amen and absolutely.
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