Over the weekend, I received an update from our adoption agency. Basically, with the new law change in Ethiopia, extra paperwork is needed from the region our child was born, and that paperwork is still not received. It is frustrating, yet completely out of my control. Once that extra paperwork is received, we are being told that we should get a court date fairly soon. It kills me to think of Nur sitting in an orphanage when we are so ready to have him home with us. . . his forever family. I know this new law was made to protect children, but in the short term, it's hurting them by having them stay in an orphanage setting longer. And the orphanage Nur is in is great, I am sure. But it's not home. There is no place like home.
Having Nur sit in an orphanage has gotten me thinking a lot about the attachment process when he comes home. The longer he is in an orphanage setting, the longer attachment will take. I know what I would do for attachment if I didn't work outside of the home, but that is not an option, so unfortunately I will have to do an attachment plan that works for our lives. And yes, I already have some major mommy guilt about this, but me working outside of the home is an absolute must, and that is just the sad reality of the situation.
Here are some attachment things that I plan to do and hope that these things develop a strong bond with Nur.
1. Wear Nur in a baby bjorn as much as possible as soon as I meet him. This will help me and I to form a bond by having such close contact with each other, and it will also help other people in my life to not just grab him from me, as in the early days, it will be so important that T and I are the main providers for Nur.
2. When Nurcomes home, our nanny will be with our baby girl, and I will be at home with Nur for approximately 6 weeks. When he cries, I will run, when he's wet, I will run, when he needs anything, I will run. I want him to know immediately that I am here for him for every need that he has.
3. Every day, I will work on body contact with Nur After bathtime, I will take time to give him lotion rubs. I've heard this is great for relaxation for babies (whether adopted or not) and it can be a bonding moment between the two of us.
4. T and I will limit how much exposure to other people that Nur has initially. This is going to be hard, because we are going to want to show him off to EVERYONE, but for the first month or so home, our family of 4 is going to keep things simple, and spend a lot of time together just in our home.
5. When feeding Nur, I will work on eye contact with him as much as possible. So much trust is built through eye contact.
6. T and I will try to get Nur into a routine immediately. One that involves feedings at the same time, and many cuddles and books before bedtime. Consistency will be so important in his life.
7. We will try to limit overstimulation. Our instinct is going to be to spoil him rotten with things he never had while in an orphanage, but because his life was so simple, that is what he is used to, and we are going to try to keep his life simple when we bring him home.
Here are some of the things I have thought about. Does anyone else have any attachment ideas?
19 comments:
Talking to him... A lot... I know, in the NICU, when I couldnt be Bobby and Maya's primary caregiver, I talked to them nonstop and I remember the feeling when I spoke one day and it was like their worlds stopped and they saw only me.
good list there, mama!
I think all of those are great ideas. I've actually used my Sleepy Wrap more than the Baby Bjorn. I think it holds the baby closer and snugger. Khalil is so fortunate to be coming into such a loving home!
Kangaroo care is great! It will definitely be hard not to show him off, but I think that attachment is SO important!
Oh I am just so excited for you guys, you're already such a sweet mama!
Oh Leah, you are just the absolute sweetest, most loving person and your son is going to bond with you. All the things you have planned to help him transition are wonderful! I would say to hold his beautiful skin against yours, as there is nothing like skin to skin contact and a baby smelling his mother.
You will do everything perfectly!
My heart does go out to you though, as this waiting is a hard thing to endure when you just want your boy home where he belongs.
Much Love
Just from our experience, Baby Bjorn was not too comfortable for either me or the baby, so we switched to Ergobaby (http://www.ergobabycarriers.com/) and the difference is unbelievable... Best regards from Japan, from an Estonian/Mexican family...
I've heard cosleeping is great for attachment if you can do it...we couldn't swing it with our work schedules and my husbands vivid dreams, and I'm sure it would be very hard with 2 little ones...maybe just during 1 nap would work?
Also breastfeeding? We also have not done this, but it would seem like an easy fit for you as you will already be lactating for your little lady. I know many adoptive Mommies who have done this succesfully, although it is not usually talked about.
Best to you as you figure out what his love language is and how he desires to attach.
We don't have a court date yet either and the more we wait the more anxious I get about rainy season. I am trying not focus on it but it is hard. It sounds like you are thinking of all the key things when it comes to attachment. I think it is great that the nanny will be with baby girl when you first bring Khalil home so you can totally devoted to him during the day. I think of you daily!!! XOXOXOXO
sounds like a great list, I moved to Guatemala with Maya when she was 9 months and never have had any attachment issues. I will HIGHLY second the ergo pack, the bjorn is really uncomfortable, they hang, where as the ergo they are alot more comfortable and they won't kill your shoulders, believe me I ended up living in guatemala for 8 months and the only way to get around ws to walk and I carried Maya everywhere in one, and she is 3 1/2 now and I still sometiems use it and put her on my back, I LOVE it. With 2 kids it might be nice to be able to strap one on your back when tey are a littel older and you are grocery shopping or something.
Sounds like a plan!! I am so happy for you and can't wait to find out you got your travel date! Please send a text my way when you find out!! Sierra and I will freak out!
This looks like a great list to me! I was also going to suggest some version of co-sleeping. We plan to try having a crib/bassinet/pack-n-play in our bedroom for the baby so that we will be right there. Maybe pulled right up against our bed so that we can easily reach out a soothing hand or something like that. I am the world's lightest sleeper so we'll have to see how this goes.
Looks like an excellent list! I had to go back to work after both of our adoptions as well. It's a tough schedule to juggle.
The only thing I would add, is that I TOTALLY get the spoiling aspect...BTDT...but setting clear boundaries is also needed. A good balance of him knowing he is loved enough to spoil...but loved enough that you are also in control of his life now and he doesn't have to be. Even the little ones get the feeling that they have to control their lives to keep things in order...since it hasn't been up until now.
The schedule will go a LONG way to helping with that. ;)
Praying for paperwork to get through quickly and that you are able to get over there to get him sooner rather than later!!
Andrea
Having adopted twice myself, this is a great list!!! You will do great and I am sure your son with bond/attach/adjust just fine.
For our 2 year old (at the time of adoption), I felt it was important that I did everything for him, even though he could do alot of it himself already. I really wanted to let him know that I was there to be his mommy and he could just be a toddler. Eye contact with him was very important too, since I could not carry him around with me. It was our intention to keep things simple for him, but spoiling him was just too easy...because really we just wanted to give him the world :)
With our second child (placed in our home at 5 months), again I would say the eye contact when feeding or bedtime, lotion rubbing, and singing were the most important ways we bonded. We did learn to control our spoiling habits when the second one came along :)
Great list! It sounds like you have thought a lot about it. I must say you are going to be a great Mama!
Looks like you've really got it nailed. I don't know much about it but sounds like you've thought of everything. I hope you get the court date soon! Thinking of you!!
You amaze me. Khalil is so lucky to have you and T. I have no advice, but you seem to be on the right track. :)
Looks like everybody has great ideas to add to your already wonderful list. And OMG - it never occured to me that you could breastfeed Khalil! I'm sure that would be tremendously bonding if it worked out.
Other than that, one special thing that I (unintentially) did with Munchie was make up a little lullaby-type song with her name in it. I would sing it to her over and over as I rocked her to sleep.
Your list sounds great! We're planning on doing most of the same things. You are going to be such a wonderful mommy!
Your list looks pretty good. Pool time is great skin to skin time as well.
Here's a site that has a lot of good info on attachment. http://a4everfamily.org
I know there is a letter on there to help your families understand why they can't do certain things when he first comes home.
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