I remember last June so well. It was June 25th when T and I submitted our first application to adopt. As I sat there filling out the application, I wondered where I would be the next June. Would we have our referral? Would we have a better idea when our son would be home? And now here we are, June, a year later, and we DO have our referral. We have seen pictures of our son, and we are just waiting anxiously to hear about a court date.
I also remember last October. I had just found out I was pregnant, and I wondered what life would be like in the summer of 2010? When June rolled around, would I still be pregnant? Would I actually be expecting another baby in just a matter of weeks? And here I am, still pregnant. I'm still expecting another baby.
Yet I fear and I have so little faith and trust in all of it.
Sometimes it is hard for me to admit how riddled with fear I am. When I first found out about the pregnancy, I wasn't planning on blogging about it at all. Then one of my blog friends asked for an update a few times, and I decided maybe there was an interest in the pregnancy as well as the adoption, and perhaps I would dedicate one day a week to the pregnancy. I feared doing it though, because I didn't want to alienate anyone. I struggled with infertility long enough to know the sting of a pregnancy announcement. I didn't want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone else. So, I always tread dangerously around the topic of my pregnancy.
Something I realized after getting pregnant though is that the pain doesn't just end with a positive pregnancy test. The effects of infertility can last a lifetime, even if you do overcome it by getting pregnant, adopting, and becoming a parent. Everyday, I experience a level of fear that is not normal, and that would most likely not exist had I gotten pregnant easily. I'm often embarrassed by my level of fear.
To further explain my fear, when I got pregnant, I ordered a doppler immediately. For those that don't know what a doppler is, it's what the doctors use to listen to the baby's heartbeat. Yes, I have rented one for this entire pregnancy, and I use it way too often. After a good's night sleep last night, and not feeling the baby move all night, I woke up at 5 in the morning to listen to the heartbeat. It sounded good, but I was angry at myself for waking up at 5am to check. Why can't I have a little faith?
Then the other day I worked on the birthplan for the baby to give to my midwives. I basically said that I don't care how the birth happens, as long as I have a baby that is healthy and alive after the birth. My midwives will probably read this and think I'm crazy. But honestly, nothing else matters to me. Unplanned C-section? Who cares! Episiotomy? I'll deal! Vaccuum? Forceps? WHATEVER! I want a baby that's alive. Even when I found out I was pregnant 9 months ago, I never thought that would be the outcome at the end of this. Now that I'm a little over 3 weeks away, I see that it is a real possibility. I may actually birth a baby. I can't fathom it.
I've stopped myself short of asking the midwive to just take my baby out now. Because NOW, the baby is alive. She's healthy. I can't guarantee that will be the case tomorrow, or in 3 weeks.
I am completely riddled with fear, and the next few weeks are going to be long ones. Infertility sucks. Regardless of the outcome.
And on a happier note, pictures of T and I from the US vs England game. :)
18 comments:
Oh, Leah, what you are feeling is exactly what I felt and probably every other person who struggled with infertility and then found themselves blessed with a pregnancy. I think it is a defense mechanism. You refuse to let yourself have hope because you know that it would be taken away at any point. So you force yourself to be negative because then all you can be is pleasantly surprised!
I'm thinking about you and praying that these last few weeks are a joyous time as you get ready to bring your baby girl home. She IS coming home!!! Yay!
I think it is awesome that you're about to meet your babIES!!! Hang in there- you've done a great job so far, mama!
We've been World Cup watchin' too! :) We were at a concert last night and my husband saw someone wearing Rooney's jersey, and the hubs gave him a thumbs down...to his face. Oh, soccer hooligans. :)
On the fear note, you know that I relate to this completely. I nabbed thee ol' doppler as well and use it to assuage my own irrational amount of fear. I don't have much else to say other than I totally getcha. I do, I do, I so totally do. I just keep repeating in my head what my OB told me, "Your baby is going to be fine." (Even though some moments I think she's a LIAR! ;)
Love the pictures, and your sweet kitty on top the fridge! :)
Wow! I didn't struggle with infertility but I did suffer a miscarriage that shook my world in a way I didn't expect. When I was pregnant with DD after the miscarriage I was scared the ENTIRE pregnancy. I joined a loss board where I read stories of people who were struggling with loss at every stage of pregnancy and it scared me. I just wanted to my baby in my arms to see that she' healthy. My prayers are with you through your pregnancy and adoption. BTW - my DD is 3 1/2 and healthy as can be. My worries amounted to nothing. Faith is a good thing! But I understand your fear. Hugs and prayers!
I am so sorry you are dealing with such fear. I can completely understand it though. I believe I would feel the same in your shoes. Praying for peace for you over the next few weeks! Hang in there momma!
Andrea
totally understand, 8 years of infertility........... 5 series of IVF and did get pregnant on the 4th time lost the baby on christmas not that I was far along but I was so stressed and terrified of losing him. Now every month as aunt flow visits I am so sad and yet I would be so terried the whole time if I got pregnant and like you I would be listening all the time and yes just take the baby out while its healthy. So I guess we better just stick with raising money for our next adoption which can really be just as bad on emotions, but we will give it a try, we finally made it home with our daughter so if it doens't work we will be sad but still very happy with just having our daughter!
I think the fear is perfectly normal. I actually hear about it from women who haven't had any struggles at all, too. I know I would feel the same way. Hang in there - just a few more weeks and you'll have that baby girl in your arms!
Your birth plan was the same as mine - healthy baby outcome!
I remember feeling those exact same fears when I was pregnant, and being angry that I had to feel that way because of my past with infertility. Its amazing how all of us are on the same journey, feeling all of the same things no matter how we come about it. I totally remember wanting my baby out because I knew she was alive in that moment, and fearing it could change. Either we're typical infertiles, or we're weird. ;)
I love to think back over the things that have happened in the past year too. I love to think, "This time last year I had no idea I was pregnant." "This time last year I was still on maternity leave." Its fun to see how far we've come and how much our lives have changed for the better.
Only a couple more weeks and you will be holding your beautiful baby girl and boy in your arms. :)
I so understand how you feel on the whole pg thing, it is definitely a hard topic after battling infertility especially seeing so many on the other side and knowing how they feel.
I had considered renting a doppler but had friends that told me not to get one because I would drive myself nuts but there was that one time I sure wish I had it.
My birth plan was exactly like yours-I didnt care how the baby made it here as long as she was alive and well. I think it all does work out and God is in control of how your baby will make it here:) Not much longer till your little one arrives!
I don't know what it's like to be pregnant but I do know what it's like to deal with fear. It's hard not to let it consume all of your thoughts.
Everything is going to be fine. Try to enjoy these last couple of weeks of just T and you. Refuse to let the fear take away this time of joy and excitement! You're going to be a Mommy soon and I can't wait to see both of those little ones in your arms!
Oh man I understand this so much so that you have no idea.
Leah, I think the emotions you are going through have to be totally normal. I went to yoga yesterday and the instructor was guiding us through meditation. He said, "don't indulge imagination." that was important for me to hear because when I allow mind to go wherever it goes to the worst places. I'll be thinking of you and sending you peace and comfort for these final stages of your pregnancy! Hugs!
Wow, what a difference a year makes!
I'm sorry for your fear... I've obviously never dealt with a fraction of what you are facing, but the fear seems completely understandable to me.
I know your babies will be perfect. Absolutely perfect!
Wow, what a difference a year makes!
I'm sorry for your fear... I've obviously never dealt with a fraction of what you are facing, but the fear seems completely understandable to me.
I know your babies will be perfect. Absolutely perfect!
You sound so much like I did throughout my pregnancy! I remember talking so many times with Johnny about what we wanted to happen with the birth and hospital and all that... and we always, always, always said "whatever is best for the babies". Another time I was laying in the hospital at 24 weeks having the "what are your plans" discussion with the doctor on call. I think she had come up to me to help me realize that the likelihood of prematurity was strong and that my "birth plan" might not work. I think she was surprised to realize that I didn't have a plan beyond "I want my babies healthy". c-section, natural, epidural, awake, asleep... I didn't care. :) And it was easier that way for me... it was bad enough dealing with "we're having these babies at 27 weeks" without having to deal with "OH NO I can't have a natural birth!" or "OH NO I don't even have my camera!" I'm glad you realize what's most important.
And the fear... I'm not sure if it's strictly related to infertility or what... but I had that too. I remember early on... maybe 10/12 weeks... laying in bed with my hand on my stomach trying to convince myself that my baby bump hadn't gotten smaller. That things were okay.
I can't wait for your fear to ease when you meet your little girl... and for your little boy to come home.
good to see some other soccer fanatics but me, lol!!!
and wow - just checked your ticker and 22 days is just around the corner!!
You go girl. Hope you get to hear some court news THIS week, this is getting looooong!
well, you and your hubby enjoy the rest of the soccer tournament , you'll be hearing me scream all the way from Europe when MY TEAM wins (which they probably will , he he 4:0 is all I can say :-)
blessings,
mel
I did not struggle with infertility, but still had the same fear you described for both of my (healthy/non-eventful) pregnancies. I think it is largely normal when going through something as monumental as bringing another (and much-wanted) human being into the world. Oh, and the fear doesn't stop when you actually have the baby. It just changes and then you worry about different things. My daughters are 4 and 2 and I still worry about all sorts of things. Welcome to motherhood!!
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